Friday, March 31, 2006

Japanese Commercials

I don't get this commercial. But then again, Japanese people are just CRAZY.

Choco. Party. Good Good.

Apparently, the scriptwriter was a parrot. In fact, I don't think they even bothered with a scriptwriter. Once the girl arrived on set - I'm pretty sure the director immediately scrapped any meaningful dialogue.

Interesting ... she giggles something right at the end. Maybe it's a punchline that's fundamental to understanding the commercial. Too bad I don't speak Japanese. I wonder what she's saying? No actually, I don't. It really doesn't matter at all.

The really amazing thing about this commercial is that the girl is Asian. Either there's some computer animation involved -- or that girl is a Japanese National Treasure.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

"That's what she said"

I'm sure this has happened to you before: you're talking with your friend and you say something really general like "Wow, that's hard", and then your friend jokes: "That's what she said!" And then you respond with a really disingenuous laugh/moan.

"That's what she said" has turned into a really lazy joke. Sure - it was kind of funny the first few times I heard it - but then it got played out way too much and now it's completely stale - kind of like Jimmy Fallon's career.

Let's examine the mechanics of the joke: something sounds innocent on the surface, but when put in the context of a sexual situation with a female, it has a dirty secondary meaning. Sure, it sounds promising in theory - I'm a huge proponent of dirty secondary meanings - but unfortunately, the concept been abused by far too many unqualified people as a cheap way to get a laugh.

Deacon: Wassup R-Dawg!
Roland: Wassup D-Dawg!
Deacon: Dude, I'm starving. Whatcha going to have for lunch?
Roland: Hmm...I'm thinking the Tofu Burger. How 'bout you D-squared?
Deacon: I'm kinda craving the All-Beef Chili-Dog
Deacon and Roland together: LOL

After lunch, Deacon and Roland will play a Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game for 8 hours straight. Deacon and Roland are 32-year-old virgins.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Statue of Britney Spears

In news that kind of makes me understand why people hate America, Monument to Pro-Life: The Birth of Sean Preston, a life-size statue of a naked Britney Spears about to welcome her firstborn, is set to be displayed April 7-23 at Brooklyn's Capla Kesting Fine Art. The artist, Daniel Edwards, has received numerous angry emails over the exhibit's perceived pro-life/anti-abortion stance.

First - I usually avoid discussing the abortion issue because it's way too serious for my brain to comprehend - but I'm willing to make an exception here because I'm absolutely certain that Britney and Kevin should NOT be having children. If by some miracle I'm still writing this blog in 18 years, I guarantee you that little Sean Preston Spears-Federline will have reached an unprecedented level of douchebagged-ness to supply me with endless material.

Second - the artist Daniel Edwards really sucks because that statue looks nothing like Britney. This girl in this statue is actually quite attractive.

Third - I was under the impression that you needed to be a person of historical or social significance in order to be immortalized as a statue. According to Daniel Edwards, being the worst role model for young girls and bringing trailer-trash to the forefront of pop-culture is considered extremely significant.

For his next statue, Mr. Edwards will be examining the significance of rich, talentless sluts in: Monument to Herpes: The Fellatio of Paris Hilton. Paris will also appear on her knees.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

FHM's Sexiest Women Poll

In FHM Magazine's annual "100 Sexist Women in the World" poll, Scarlett Johansson took the top spot - rising from 9th place last year. And what did the lovely Ms. Johansson do over the past year to leapfrog 8 other spank-worthy candidates and claim the ultimate rank in sexiness? With her perfect curves, husky voice, and sultry DSL's (i'm not talking about broadband) -- absolutely nothing at all.

No matter how hard you try, you just can't work at being that sexy. You have to be born with it - like a superhero born with mutant powers. In Scarlett's case, she can shoot deadly bolts of dirty thoughts from her eyes, fingers, and two other key bodily regions.

Just look at her in that red dress. Now that's a REAL woman. She's perfect - just enough meat on her to kick Mary-Kate Olsen's ass and for me to play with.

In response to her number-one ranking, Scarlett released the following statement:
"One of the best things for a woman to hear is that she is sexy ... I'd like to thank FHM's readers for the huge compliment."
I would like to personally thank Ms. Johansson for using the word "huge" in her statement. You've just saved me the trouble of making any further sexual innuendo.

Monday, March 27, 2006


Do Calzones really deserve to be a separate type of food? Aren't they just glorifed Hot Pockets? What a complete scam. At least Hot Pockets come with that awesome microwave-cripsing sleeve.

If you think about it, Italians are pretty damn lazy when it comes to inventing food. The bastards stole pasta from the Chinese - and if that wasn't bad enough, they then cut it into a million different shapes and convinced the world that each one was special by giving them fancy names ending in "i". And the Calzone? They basically folded a pizza in half and sealed the edges - just like how the Mexicans turned a soft taco into a burrito. But I won't call Mexicans lazy because that's just racist. Italians on the other hand - lazy-ass mofos.

Great, now I'm going to get gunned down by the Mafia.

Friday, March 24, 2006

The Univision Channel Weather Lady


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Now I don't claim to be an expert in weather - but something tells me that Jackie Guerrido - Univision's weather lady - didn't get her job because she majored in meteorology. Don't ask me how I know - it's just a funny feeling I get from her that I can't quite seem to put my finger on. Or even my entire hand.

DAMN! What IS it about her? This is SO frustrating. Okay - maybe I should just approach this like how I approach most problems - calm down, take a deep breath, and bury my head in it. Yeah, that sounds comfortable.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Bush's Slogan Writer

Notice how President Bush likes to make speeches in front of really big signs? These signs usually have some slogan. And these slogans are usually pretty retarded:

- Plan For Victory
- Mission Accomplished

First, why does there seem to be a constant need for the Bush Administration to use slogans to explain their policies? Second, why do their policies sound like Steven Segal movies?

And imagine - there's a dude out there who passed 4th grade English that actually comes up with this shit. How difficult could the job be? I did some research and discovered that the slogans actually have to adhere to some strict guidelines set by the President himself: A) Make sure they sound decisive, B) Make sure they're under 5 syllables for ease of pronunciation, and C) lie.

If I was a Presidential slogan writer, I'd scrap the generic and ambiguous language and try to connect more with the youth of today by incorporating acronyms and emoticons. Some examples:

- Vision 4 2morrow
- Gaining Respect Around the World (LOL)
- IMHO: Flat Taxes for the Future
- I Did Not Have Sexual Relations ;-)

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Kids who hook-up with Hot Teachers

Yesterday, prosecutors in Marion County Florida decided to drop charges against Debra Lafave, a former Tampa teacher accused of having sex with a 14-year-old middle school student. The decision stemmed from the prosecutors' unwillingness to force the boy to testify, because apparently, the boy suffered extreme anxiety from the media coverage of the case.

Look at the teacher. She's freaking hot. And not just hot for a teacher, but hot in general. Based on generally accepted rules of hotness, that makes her 10 times hotter than normal. Oh, and they had sex in her SUV. That makes her 10 times dirtier than normal. Which means that this 14-year-old is at least 100 times luckier than any other 14-year-old in history.

It's ridiculous that all these so-called childhood psychology "experts" are concerned over the mental trauma experienced by the boy. How about the mental trauma I experienced as a 14-year-old getting rejected by girls and becoming best friends with my right-hand? It's been 16 years and I still haven't recovered. Mostly because the trauma continues.

This kid doesn't have a problem. He has a head start. And the kid might not realize it now, but one day he'll be sitting at home watching VH1's I Love the 80's and see Van Halen's Hot For Teacher video for the first time -- and finally realize how super-awesome he really was.

The hot and dirty teacher said at a news conference Tuesday:
"My greatest regret would be that I put this young man through this ... I pray with all my heart that the young man and his family will be able to move on with their lives ... Again, I offer my deepest apologies."
And by "deepest apologies" I hope she means a lap dance.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

White Kung-Fu Stars

White kung-fu stars kind of suck. Compared to their Chinese counterparts, they fight like little girls. That's right Chuck Norris -- I called you a girl. Whatcha gonna do about it tough guy? Arrest me in your gay Walker, Texas Ranger uniform?

Hollywood takes any white guy that comes along who can break a piece of plywood and makes him into a star. A Chinese guy, on the other hand, has to try a lot harder to stand-out. Because ALL Chinese people know kung-fu. According to my 5th grade classmates - that's a scientific fact.

Think about the most famous Chinese kung-fu stars and their accomplishments. Bruce Lee revolutionized the kung-fu genre by developing his own martial arts system, Jackie Chan gained notoriety by doing his own insane stunts, and Jet Li rose to fame by winning 15 Chinese National Championships. Steven Segal put his hair in a lame ponytail, gained weight, and squinted like a douchebag.

Norris, Segal, Macchio - they all had it easy because they were white. The garbage man in Beijing who took out Jet Li's trash could probably kick ALL their asses. That's right Ralph Macchio -- I'm totally calling you out. Whatcha gonna do about it tough guy? Wax my car?

Monday, March 20, 2006

Spring Break

It's the fourth week of March - which means that we're right smack in the middle of America's greatest contribution to the Mexican tourism industry - otherwise known as Spring Break. It also means that I've been spending my productive Saturday afternoons watching the 5-hour marathon of MTV Spring Break '06 - otherwise known as the prequel to every single Girls Gone Wild video.

Which brings me to my very obvious yet important revelation to all college males: Unless you roll with George Clooney or grow up to be the Sultan of Brunei, things will NEVER get easier. I bet you're thinking - whatever man, the grass is always greener on the other side. No it isn't. Because there is no grass on my side. Sure, if I'm lucky, a few scattered bushes pop up every 6 to 9 months, but most of the time my lawn has the vegetation of a parking lot.

Never again in your life, will you have such an abundant selection of hot girls from colleges named "______ State". And the only qualification required to hook-up with them is either A) understanding the physics behind a body shot, B) being able to grind them from behind in a squatted position, or C) being around. If you're a senior, it's also the last time you'll be able hook-up with an 18-something-year-old and not get labeled "creepy".

Cherish these moments and remember them forever. If you have a bad memory, videotape them. If you have good memory, videotape them anyway because you'll never know when your memory will fade. Plus I know a guy in Chatsworth that'll pay top dollar.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

St. Patrick's Day

Okay - so why am I talking about St. Patrick's Day when it's still two days away? Because I'm going out of town and won't be posting until next week - but the Irish holiday is still worth talking about. In a strange way, I'm actually being both lazy and proactive at the same time - which is just CRAZY.

And to continue my crazy paradoxical ways, I will denote the reasons why St. Patrick's Day is lazy through a numbered list. Because a numbered list is both lazy and helpful at clarifying topics.

Okay - 8 reasons why St. Patrick's Day is lazy:
  1. Only one color is involved: Green. Halloween has two colors: Orange and Black. Christmas has three: Red, Green and White. Gay and Lesbian Day has the ENTIRE rainbow.

  2. Corned beef and cabbage is easier to prepare than toast.

  3. Unlike most holidays, relatives aren't usually involved.

  4. Lucky Charms cereal instills Irish symbolism in the impressionable minds of children at an early age. Thus, less marketing and promotion for St. Patrick's Day is required as they get older. This hasn't been "scientifically" proven yet, but I'm working on it.

  5. It's easy to revert back to college behavior.

  6. Simply putting green food coloring in beer will elicit amazement from the drinker.

  7. "Leprechaun" is easy to spell.

  8. The entire holiday is based off of Irish stereotypes. Imagine if everyone was socially awkward and did calculus problems on Chinese New Year.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006


Map-Makers - or for all you fancy people out there - Cartographers, have pretty easy jobs. Think about it. Nothing really changes. Sure, there's continental drift - but even the craziest OCD basket-case wouldn't notice. If I was a map-maker, I'd make a photocopy of last year's map and my work would bascially done for the entire year.

Okay - so how about a political map with all those lines and lovely pastel colors? Surely that must be more challenging. No. The end of World War II basically set most of the countries in place. Sure, every now and then a big wall is torn down, a revolution occurs, or some idiot goes searching for WMD's -- in those cases, a country may require a name change or even redrawn borders. But seriously - how long could that really take? Using EDIT>FIND>REPLACE and Photoshop, I could complete serveral decades worth of political change before lunchtime.

Seriously, when's the last time someone told you that they just got a new job as a map-maker? NEVER. Because all the current map-makers refuse to leave their cushy jobs. Damn you incumbent map-makers! I hope Mapquest takes you all down.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Gillette Razors

In keeping up with tradition, the geniuses at the Gillette Company have released yet another "revolutionary" razor blade - the Gillette FUSION - proving once again that if you have a monopoly on an entire market, your product development team can afford to be ridiculous.

This latest offering features 5 eff-ing blades - an obvious petty attempt to upstage their closest competitor Schick, whose Quattro razor only has 4 blades. Apparently, the razor blade industry is run by two jealous girlfriends.

And I wonder who came up with the awesome name FUSION? It follows past products equally awesomely named SENSOR, SENSOR EXCEL, MACH 3, and MACH 3 TURBO. I called up Gillette to inquire and discovered that an over-zealous, unintentionally funny Japanese translator was hired as VP of razor naming.

Honestly, I'm doing just fine with my current 3-blade system. But I know that eventually, I'll give in to their marketing and buy the surprisingly affordable Fusion for just $7.99. Once I try it for the first time, I probably won't be able to live without it - forcing me to buy $25 blades for the next 5 years until the 7-blade Gillette NINJA comes out with a built-in MP3 player. Kudos to Gillette: the crack dealers of men's grooming.

Friday, March 10, 2006

"Those Guys"

We all know who "Those Guys" are. In every city in the world, especially in America, "Those Guys" are lurking everywhere -- at the bar, the club, the local Olive Garden. Their mere existence is a social epidemic - much like teenage pregnancy or drunk driving. And if we could somehow solve the "Those Guys" problem, we'd reduce the other two problems by at least 50%.

This public service announcement is a step in the right direction - but as long as there are attractive 15-21 year-old girls with low self-esteem and a soft spot for Jagermeister and lowered Mustangs, "Those Guys" will always be around.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

John Travolta

John Travolta announced this week that he'll be returning to his musical roots in the upcoming film Hairspray - a movie based on the current hit Broadway musical ... that was based on yet another movie. Apparently, the Hairspray franchise started out as a chain letter.

On to Travolta - why the hell does a guy who sucks so much keep getting film roles? I just don't get it. At first I thought it was just me - but there's no way I'm the only person who thinks he sucks because his lack of talent is as obvious as his retarded haircut (refer to photo). Sure, he had a couple of hits in the 70's, and Pulp Fiction resurrected his career - but that only gave him the audacity to make BattleField Earth. Add to that all the other crap he's made - and the net effect to society is negative.

And I'm pissed that he's married to Kelly Preston. Not because I'm insanely jealous, but because he obviously doesn't appreciate the fact that she's hot. Or a female. That marriage is as convenient as OJ's alibi. Plus, I'm insanely jealous.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that one day, he'll finally drop out of the spotlight and spend his days flying around in his private jet sipping Kool-Aid with bosom buddy and fellow psycho Tom Cruise, as they search the universe for Xenu: Supreme Leader of the Galactic Confederacy.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

International Women's Day

Happy International Women's Day! Yeah, I had no idea it existed either - but take a look at your wall calendar. See - it really exists. I wonder who came up with this idea? Whoever it was - they weren't much of a risk taker. My research shows that approximately one out of every two people on this planet is female. With this valuable information in hand, whoever proposed International Women's Day knew beforehand that it was a shoe-in for approval by the mysterious Official-Day Setting Organization. It's like proposing International Peace Day. Or International Puppies Day.

If I was standing before the Official-Day Setting Organization, I would propose something more controversial - like:
International International House of Pancakes Day. Because I'm sure there would be heated debate over whether or not the word "International" should appear twice. And just as the negotiations are about to fall apart, I would heroically step in at the 11th hour and suggest that as a compromise, we name it: International IHOP Day. I'm a freakin genius.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Joan and Melissa Rivers

I live in Los Angeles - so even though the Academy Awards ended two days ago, people in this town are still stroking themselves off over the show. Nobody more so than the most irrelevant people in the world - those who make a living by criticizing red-carpet fashion.

The most notorious of these society deadweights are Joan Rivers - living proof that aliens exist - and Melissa Rivers - living proof that aliens can reproduce. The most annoying mother/daughter combination in the history of mothers and daughters somehow scammed their way to being the ultimate source for Oscar fashion editorial. Pretty amazing considering that the only piece of clothing they would both look good in is a ski-mask. Ouch - that was mean. But seriously, when you reach a certain level of obnoxiousness, etiquette really isn't an issue.

For the sake of humanity, I hope they hurry up with their gig and immediately return to their glass house - where they'll regress back to larvae form, hibernate in their cocoons, and unfortunately re-emerge after a 12-month gestation period.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Special Report: The Academy Awards

The Academy Awards - when you get this many people in Hollywood together, there are bound to be plenty examples of success through minimal effort. Here are my top 5 honorary Lazy Asians from Oscar night:

1) George Clooney: A guy who has the LEAST trouble in the world getting laid won an Oscar. Great. Now, he just needs to put the statue on his bedstand and wait.

2) Jessica Alba: The actress who has had such acclaimed roles as a stripper, bikini-clad treasure hunter, and lame superhero - was honored with the task of presenting an Oscar. The central thought-processing region of my body tells me it had nothing to do with her acting.

3) The 4th Sound Mixer: There's a guy out there with an Oscar for just pressing the RECORD button. Because that was his job.

4) After-Party "Correspondents": All the desperate entertainment wanna-be's landed jobs interviewing celebrities outside the entrance to the Vanity Fair after-party - asking stupid questions like: "What's it like inside?" How sad. They're like homeless people asking someone what it's like to have shelter.

5) Coke dealers: Do you really think people go to Oscar after-parties to enjoy Wolfgang Puck's latest pizza creation?

Friday, March 03, 2006

President Bush Drunk

Of course he's not really drunk. It's amazing that by just simply slowing down his speech - The President sounds like he's completely wasted. And it's completely hilarious. But I don't think this trick works with everyone. I hear that if you play any of Clinton's speeches in slow-motion - it seems like he's hitting on you.

Thursday, March 02, 2006


When it comes to footwear, nothing is lazier than flip-flops. While other footwear has evolved over time with laces, pumps, and air pockets - flip-flops have pretty much stayed the same for the past 3000 years. And they still don't even have their own support system - relying on that little space between your big toe and second toe to stay on your foot. That's like having a belt that buckles into your bellybutton because it doesn't have it's own hole.

Despite being so simple, flip-flops have the power to convey a wide range of information about wearer -- from "I'm feeling casual and relaxed", to "I'm too lazy to tie shoelaces", to "I'm an Abercrombie wearing frat-boy asshole".

That being said, I love my flip-flops. I've even been guilty myself of wearing flip-flops during inappropriate situations. I've worn them to work after giving my 2-week notice because I just didn't give a shit anymore. And I've even worn them on first-dates because I wanted the girl to judge me by my personality and not by my footwear. Unfortunately, I have a horrible personality so that really hasn't worked out for me.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Mardi Gras

Mardi Gras ended yesterday - the only day of the year when beads are considered boobie currency. Compared to what a guy normally has to do to get a girl to take off her shirt, throwing a string of beads ranks pretty low on the effort scale - along with just politely asking Paris Hilton.

What other powers do beads have? Let's do a quick thought experiment: It's been estimated that 10 million beads are sold during Mardi Gras. On any day other than Mardi Gras, the only comparably easy way to see boobies is to go to a strip-club. From what I've been told, a topless lap dance costs $20. Assuming 50% of the beads sold are actually "cashed-in", the total intrinsic value of the beads used at Mardi Gras is $100 million. Now what could New Orleans possibly do with an extra $100 million?

And this concludes my attempt at connecting strip-club economics to the mis-handling of the Katrina disaster. Stay tuned next week when I'll link the porn industry to high oil prices. (Hint: Vaseline)