Special Report: The Academy Awards

The Academy Awards - when you get this many people in Hollywood together, there are bound to be plenty examples of success through minimal effort. Here are my top 5 honorary Lazy Asians from Oscar night:

1) George Clooney: A guy who has the LEAST trouble in the world getting laid won an Oscar. Great. Now, he just needs to put the statue on his bedstand and wait.

2) Jessica Alba: The actress who has had such acclaimed roles as a stripper, bikini-clad treasure hunter, and lame superhero - was honored with the task of presenting an Oscar. The central thought-processing region of my body tells me it had nothing to do with her acting.

3) The 4th Sound Mixer: There's a guy out there with an Oscar for just pressing the RECORD button. Because that was his job.

4) After-Party "Correspondents": All the desperate entertainment wanna-be's landed jobs interviewing celebrities outside the entrance to the Vanity Fair after-party - asking stupid questions like: "What's it like inside?" How sad. They're like homeless people asking someone what it's like to have shelter.

5) Coke dealers: Do you really think people go to Oscar after-parties to enjoy Wolfgang Puck's latest pizza creation?