Tuesday, November 28, 2006


Happy Belated Thanksgiving. I hope everyone enjoyed stuffing themselves with turkey - even though turkey really isn't that good anyway. You have to admit, it's a pain in the ass to make - and a nice big slab of steak beats out a boring slice turkey anyday.

Realizing the shortcomings of Turkey, American culinary geniuses have come up with the nastiest and laziest food invention ever - the Turducken. In case you don't know what a Turducken is, it's basically what you'd think it is: A chicken stuffed inside a duck stuffed inside a turkey. It sounds like something an 8 year old would invent.

Amazingly, people actually eat this stuff. Of course, these people mostly live in the South - but still - you'd think there's a limit to what Britney Spears would put in her mouth. Okay, maybe not.

Since we're stuffing food inside other foods and calling it something new, let's stuff a hot dog inside a hamburger inside a taco - and call it a HotBurgerTaco. I think I saw that performed in a porno once.

Monday, November 20, 2006

OJ's New Book

If you haven't already heard, O.J. Simpson is releasing a new book called If I Did It, in which he hypothesizes how he would have committed the killings of his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend Ron Goldman. Feel free to wish the worst possible death upon him.

Everyone already knows that O.J. is one of the worst people in the world - but apparently, he's also pretty damn lazy - because this supposed book is basically just a photocopy of his diary.

ReganBook's Judith Regan, who is getting much deserved criticism for publishing shit, is defending her decision by saying she's publishing the book because she was a victim of domestic violence and thought the proceeds would go to Simpson's children. I'm not sure if there's actually any logic behind that line of reasoning - but if there is, it's pretty close to whatever logic the O.J. jury had.

Friday, November 17, 2006

The Decline of College Admission Standards

If you can believe it, this guy is actually a Junior in college. Okay, the college is in Tennessee - but still, this moron doesn't even deserve a GED. The astonished look on his face after he realizes he got the question wrong is priceless. The retarded hair also adds to the overall effect.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Long-Sleeve T-Shirts

Why are Long-Sleeve T-Shirts called "Long-Sleeve T-Shirts"? If I was a T-Shirt, I'd be pissed off that some other copycat garment was benefiting from my name - after all, the T-Shirt is a cherished icon of clothing that should be protecting its brand.

It's time for the Long-Sleeve T-Shirt to stop mooching off the original short-sleeve version. A long-sleeve t-shirt doesn't even look like a "T". It's more like an "M" with a really fat middle part. And I don't see pants calling themselves "Long-Leg Shorts" - so there's really no excuse.

But knowing how lazy the Long-Sleeve T-Shirt really is, it'll probably just mooch off some other piece of clothing - and call itself a "Short-Neck Turtleneck" or an "Super-Thin, Non-Knitted Sweater".

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

KFC's New Logo

KFC unveiled their brand new logo yesterday. They're making a pretty big deal out of it too - the company created a 87,500 square foot version of the new logo in the Nevada desert and photographed it from space.

I'm not really sure what the big deal is. It looks like someone spent an hour on Photoshop tilting Colonel Sanders' head, smoothing out some lines, and pasting on an apron. And I bet that someone made a few hundred thousand dollars and thought about it for several months. But I guess it does look a little better. Just like Kenny Rogers after a thousand botox injections.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Mini-Skirt Law

The government of South Korea is in the final stages of revising an indecency law that prohibits people from wearing revealing outfits - including the all important hot pants and ever so necessary miniskirts.

I'm not too familiar with the history of South Korean legislation, but has to be the biggest no-brainier in its history. Anyone who's against short-shorts should be institutionalized and examined for lacking a soul.

Plus, I think most people will agree with me that Korean girls are some of the hottest looking Asians out there. Except you white guys - you don't need to agree with me. In fact, it would be best if you didn't find Asians girls hot at all.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Melissa Theuriau

For those of you who don't know who Melissa Theuriau is, she's a TV news anchorwoman in France. She's also hands-down, the hottest news anchorwoman in the world. At first I thought it was just because she's speaking French. Actually no - I never thought it was just her French. But it sure is a nice bonus. Kinda like discovering that your hot girlfriend's family is loaded.

For some reason, I bet that French men are really up to date with their current events.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Britney/K-Fed Prognosticators

The breaking news yesterday (besides that election thing that fundamentally changed the country's leadership dynamic), was Britney filing for divorce from Kevin Federline. The official divorce filing cited "irreconcilable differences" as the reason for separation - which is white trash for "we're white trash".

To the millions of people out there who confidently declared "I told you this would happen" - Shut up. You're not special. You have no special ability whatsoever. My 90-year old grandmother who lives in a village in China and doesn't get the E! Channel predicted the same thing after just looking at a picture of them. She also mumbled something about how white people start getting fat after 23.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Election Day

Happy Election Day! According to the latest statistics, less than 50% of you actually care. But you should. Because according to law, you're entitled to 2 hours off work today to vote. So take those 2 hours today to exercise your right as an American - and hang out at Starbucks for an extra latte.

I live in California - so on election day, we're not only voting for people, but also on hundreds of ridiculous Propositions and Measures. Which makes me wonder why we have elected officials in the first place - since apparently, they can't make the smallest decisions without asking everyone else first.

Here's how I'm going to vote:

Yes on Prop 54: Water coolers at all government buildings should switch from Sparkletts to Arrowhead.

No on Prop 33: The assistant traveling secretary to the assistant district attorney does NOT need to buy a new printer. He should just replace the ink cartridge.

Yes on Measure 2: Even though our Governor has an endoskeleton constructed from a hyperalloy, he still needs to walk through airport metal detectors.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Jackie Guerrido

Wow, J-Lo has some competition. As do camels.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Female Halloween Costumes

As I reflect back on this week's Halloween festivities, one thing sticks in my head: female costumes have become super, super slutty. Every costume shares the same fundamental design elements - short, tight, and some sort of lingerie thrown in for good measure. Even the most noble professions have been somehow made dirty by Halloween: a sexy teacher, a slutty nurse, even a naughty nun. Nothing is sacred.

That's why being a female Halloween costume designer is a pretty easy job. Because ALL female Halloween costumes have already been worn by strippers. Just go to a Spearmint Rhino on any given night - and you've got ideas to last an entire year.

On any other day of the year, a girl will label another girl a slut for just wearing a shirt that's a little tight. But on Halloween, that same girl will dress up like a street hooker.

Halloween: bringing out the inner-skank in everyone.