Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Randy Jackson

Who the hell is this guy. No seriously - who the 'eff is this guy? I know the question has been asked before, but I think the public has just gradually accepted him - in the same way they gradually accept a certain level of homelessness. I refuse to be so complacent.

How did this poser - who goes by the name "Randy Jackson" - somehow scam his way to become a judge on the most popular TV show in America? Paula had a decent career in the 90's and Simon is a lovable asshole. This guy wears stupid glasses.

From his official bio:
"Jackson has worked on over 1,000 gold and multi-platinum albums. His contributions have helped to sell over 200 million albums worldwide."
That's a huge steaming pile of ambiguity. I've "worked on" at least a billion things and I've "contributed to" at least a trillion things. How come I'm not judging American Idol?

Okay - I'll give him some credit. He's the only person I know who can make all the Black people in America collectively cringe by just uttering the word "DAWG". Keep it real Randy Jackson. Keep it real.

Monday, January 30, 2006

Celebrity Sex Videos

Last week, a Los Angeles judge set July 17 as the trial date for Colin Farrell's lawsuit against his ex-Playmate/girlfriend to block her from releasing a videotaped sex romp. The salty details of the video are still unclear, but one thing is certain - if it ever hits the market, it'll be a guaranteed success - despite the fact that it'll most definitely suck. Celebrity sex videos usually end up being lazily shot films with grainy pictures, poor production quality, and less than "ideal" camera angles.

For the record - I have not seen any celebrity sex videos. Off the record - I have a special folder for them on my windows desktop. Here are my brief reviews of some notable videos:

Tonia Harding: It's Tonia Harding. One of the few times in your life when you won't value your eyesight.
R. Kelly: Ignores the "legal" part of "Barely Legal".
Pamela Anderson: Shot aboard a boat and the camera kept rocking back and forth. Gave me a headache.
Paris Hilton: Actually kinda enjoyed this one. Will be remembered as her best and only contribution to society. Eagerly awaiting sequel.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

David Hasselhoff

Maybe you've seen this. Maybe you haven't. Either way, I think it's my civic duty to share this with as many people as I can. Because if you haven't seen this already - prepare for the most mind-blowing experience EVER. And if you have seen this already - you'll want to watch it again just to make sure you didn't imagine it the first time.

The video speaks for itself. But I will add that I think David Hasselhoff pretty much gave up trying to be legit during the final season of Knight Rider when KITT was retrofitted with Super Pursuit Mode. Because S.P.M. was ridiculous.

Friday, January 27, 2006

The Asian Backstreet Boys

If you spend any time on the internet then you've probably already seen the infamous video of two Asian homeboys lip-synching to the Backstreet Boys. Finally - a true Lazy Asian example: A) They're not even singing B) 99% of the video's appeal is dorkiness - and every Asian is just a bad haircut away from being dorky (I'm Asian, so it's cool) and C) They stayed in their room. At least William Hung took the initiative to leave his room and drive to the audition.

They've become famous for what I already do in the shower every morning (I'm talking about singing) - and I Want it That Way is my trademark karaoke song - along with Paradise City if it's a 2-for-1 drink night. If only I had the foresight to perform in front of a webcam.

Not surprisingly, these two kids are now quasi-celebrities in their home country. They've even signed a deal with Motorola China to help promote a new line of phones. And I bet they get plenty of tail.

GOOD for them. After thinking about it for a while, I'm actually more proud of my fellow Asian brothers than bitter. At least they're not famous for something related to Kung-Fu.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

George Foreman and his Grill

Okay - so I know there are many celebrity endorsed products, but I'm going to pick on this one in particular because it's been the most successful. Since its launch in 1995, 55 million George Foreman Grills have been sold. Dude, it's a glorified waffle maker. Seriously. It's 2 hot plates, a hinge, and a drip pan. My toaster is more complicated.

Of course, despite the grill's simplicity, George still had nothing to do with the product itself. He's been punched in the head so many times that he couldn't even design a spoon. OK - that was mean. George seems like a really nice guy. After all, he is always smiling with his trademark toothy grin. But I really think it's more a smile of mental vacancy than a smile of happiness.

Man, I hope he never reads this because he could still kick the living crap out of me. Unless I could somehow use calculus as a weapon. Then he'd better watch out.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Inventor of the Futon

I hate futons. They suck as couches and they suck as beds - which is a whole lot of sucking. But thanks to college kids and people who lack taste - futons are somehow way more popular than they deserve to be.

On every futon that I've ever sat on - I'm either sitting up so straight that it looks like I've got a broomstick up my ass, or slouched down so low that my nose is 2-inches away from my belly six-pack abs. And maybe I'm just picky, but when I sleep, I prefer my bed to be flat and not have a large, deep trench running down the middle. They also look stupid because no matter how many cushions you pile on - you still can't hide the fact that it's a dumb-looking futon. (see photo)

And how about the genius inventor of this piece-of-crap furniture that has made its way into millions of homes across America? I bet he got his inspiration from a hot dog bun.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

High-Def Porn

In technology news very near and dear to my heart, adult film maker Digital Playground announced yesterday that it will support Sony's high-definition Blu-ray DVD format - which also happens to be the format supported in the upcoming Playstation 3.

I'm guessing that the Digital Playground executives only had to think this over for about 3 seconds since it's the biggest no-brainer in the history of home entertainment -- and the awesomest marriage of content and technology -- because after playing Madden 2007 in HD for 8 hours straight, I can stay on my couch watch One in the Pink, One in the Stink Vol. 7 in HD for 8 hours straight. And by 8 hours straight I mean 8 minutes straight.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Brokeback Mountain Jokes

The most discussed about and controversial movie of the year has also been the easiest source for a punch-line. Leno, Letterman, Stewart - the late night kings of comedy have all referenced the movie for cheap laughs at least a gazillion times since November (yes, that'’s the official count) which is pretty lazy if you think about it. Because if you can't get a laugh from joking about gay cowboys, then you're not very funny. Because gay cowboys are hilarious.

And no, I'’m not homophobic. I think straight interior decorators are hilarious too.

Saturday, January 21, 2006


Pandas are lucky. Specifically the panda in this picture. Specifically the one of the right.

He's totally hooking up with that female panda. And he didn't have to do a thing. No dinner, no talking, no condom. I'm not a panda, so I can't tell if the female is hot or not - but they're in the seated reverse cowgirl position so it really doesn't matter.

What a lucky bastard. I bet he's going to take a nap in 5 minutes.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Masculine Actresses

Earlier this week at the Golden Globes, Felicity Huffman won Best Actress for her role in Transamerica, a movie in which she plays a pre-operative male-to-female transsexual. A real feel-good family flick.

Now - is it just me or does she already look kind of man-ish? Seriously. Not that she's ugly or anything - but if you look closely, she definitely has masculine features. Remove the make-up, cut the hair, and paste down the boobs -- she's basically 75% man. Hilary Swank, another man-faced woman, pulled off the same scam in 2000 when she won an Oscar for Boys Don’t Cry. When it comes to playing transgender characters and winning Hollywood awards, I think man-ish chicks have it pretty easy.

Now if Jessica Alba pulled off playing a man -- THAT would be a well-deserved Oscar. I'd give her the bald statue myself. Every night.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

The Mayor of New Orleans

New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin opened his mouth this week, once again proving that he has totally given up on appearing even remotely competent. In case you haven’t heard, he promised his constituency that New Orleans would be a “chocolate” city again. To give him credit, he did back it up by saying “God wants it to be” – which is completely legit. If God was Willy Wonka.

I could go on and on listing examples of why he clearly doesn't deserve to be mayor of a major American city but I'm scared I might offend Montell Williams.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Miniature Food

The food industry is brilliant in its unoriginality. Think about it - many of today's popular foods are just miniature versions of normal-sized food: baby carrots, cherry tomatoes, baby bok choy (for my Asian homies) - and it's not just vegetables. They've also brought us such classics as petite filet mignon, M&M Mini's, and that stupid Dippin' Dot Ice Cream booth in the shopping mall.

Being the inquisitive person that I am, I went to my local library to do some research and discovered that the energy expended by the human body to think: "hey - let's make it smaller", is actually less than the energy required to pick your nose.

Mull over that indisputable fact while I go to White Castle to pick up my 30 burger Crave Case.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Mr. Blackwell's Worst Dressed List

Like he does each year, Mr. Blackwell has just released his lastest "Worst Dressed List" with Britney Spears leading the pack. Apparently, he's been doing this for 46 years - and for the 46th time, he's once again declared himself Supreme Grand-Master of the Obvious. Despite this, he somehow scams his way to annual fame.

Now I must admit, I'm not at all familar with the backstory on how Mr. Blackwell became the ultimate authority on worst-dressed-ness, but I'm positive it's complete crap. Here's the simple logic one could follow in order to come up with his "famous" list:

A) Group together all the female celebrities Billy Bush has talked about on Access Hollywood over the past year.
B) Take the top 9 most talked about
C) Actresses deemed most newsworthy by Access Hollywood dress like whores
D) Whores are the worst dressed people
E) Add: Anna Nicole Smith
F) Congratulations - you're done.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Koala Bears

Sure, they’re cute and cuddly, but they’re also the laziest freakin animals in the whole animal kingdom. That’s a scientific fact. Koala Bears sleep for up to 19 hours per day and spend their waking hours eating ONLY eucalyptus leaves. Considering how little they do already, you would at least expect them to try adding some variety to their meals.

Despite their pothead way of life, Koala Bears have achieved tremendous recognition. They’ve inspired thousands of stuffed animals, cruel costumes, and those stupid things people put on the end of pencils. Along with the Kangaroo, they're the flagship animal of not only an entire country - but an entire continent. And Kangaroos work a lot harder if you consider all that jumping they do. If I was a Kangaroo, I’d be pissed.

Just in case you were wondering, “laziest freakin” is indeed a scientific term.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Spawn of Brangelina

So I normally don't give a crap about this sort of thing, but with today's completely newsworthy announcement that Brad and Angelina are having a baby (oh my gosh), I can't help but predict that their baby will be successful by default. This future kid has basically won the largest genetic Powerball jackpot in the history of procreation. The fetus is probably already better looking than any of us.

The Million Dollar Homepage

In perhaps the most literal application of success through minimal effort I've found to date, a 21 year old British student is officially my new hero. In case you haven't heard about this yet -- and you might not want to continue reading because you'll hate yourself forever for not thinking of this first -- Alex Tew is now officially a millionare by selling one million pixels on his homepage to advertisers for $1 each. He just sold the last 1000 pixels on eBay today. You can read all about it here.

I congratulate the kid and I hope he blows all his money on hookers and twinkies. He probably won't though, since he's the smartest person ever.

As a side note, I bet this person is feeling like the dumbest person ever.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Paris Hilton

Okay, I know this isn't all that creative - and I promise my future posts will be more original - but I really need to get this one out of the way. Ms. Hilton after all, is THE poster child for success without effort. Unless you count being a bitch as effort. Or doing coke every night with your sister as effort. Or videotaping your teenage sex romps as effort. Actually, I did find the sex tape somewhat impressive, but it could have used a little more character development.

Her list of accomplishments is remarkable. She has her own TV show, catchphrase, and perfume line - she's even started her own chain of nightclubs. I'm sure she's working on more, but I refuse to find out because i'm scared i'll vomit. This year, Forbes ranked her as one of the top 100 celebrities in the world. Pretty impressive for a moron.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Welcome to The Lazy Asian

After months of encouragement from my friends, and after being true to this blog's title by sitting on my ass for a few months more - i've finally decided to start The Lazy Asian.

So what exactly is The Lazy Asian about? Well, first off - it's not autobiographical - at least that's my official position. Potential employers might stumble upon this little piece of cyberspace, and for the record, I'm a very hardworking Asian. Second, it has nothing to do with Asians at all (at least, not directly). I'll re-visit this point a little later.

The Lazy Asian is quite simply, a celebration of success through minimal effort.

Let me elaborate.

America is the land of opportunity. The American Dream, as it's traditionally known, implies that if you work hard enough, you can achieve anything. But there's another version of the American Dream that's often overlooked - the one where you sit on your ass, get lucky and still become successful. This is success through minimal effort - and its harder to achieve than you think: Anyone can work hard if they try. Not everyone can sit on their ass and still come out on top.

It is the mission of The Lazy Asian to highlight both topical and random examples of this phenomenon. And as you will soon discover, examples aren't just limited to individuals. Low effort-to-success ratios can be achieved by companies, animals, philosophies - even inanimate objects. Some examples will be obvious. Some will be shocking. Most you won't give a crap about.

Why the title The Lazy Asian?
Of all the negative racial stereotypes that exist, Asians are fortunate enough to lay claim to a positive one: they're hard working. Hence the term "Lazy Asian" is somewhat of a cultural contradiction - and it is this contradiction that allows us (i'm Asian, so I can say this) to be lazy from time to time while still being relatively successful in society. "Lazy Asian" perfectly and succinctly exemplifies success through minimal effort and thus titles this blog.

Have you found other Lazy Asians?
The Lazy Asian is always looking for more examples of success through minimal effort. Examples are everywhere if you look hard enough. If you find something, please send it my way and I'll share it with everyone. I'll even give you full credit. That's a Lazy Asian promise.