Friday, June 27, 2008

Blowing Up Stuff to Prove You've Changed

In geopolitical news this week (despite being lazy, I do read The Economist), North Korea destroyed a nuclear reactor tower to prove that they're ending their nuclear weapons program. In response, President Bush is lifting some sanctions against N. Korea and removing the country from the State Department's list of state sponsors of terrorism.

Hmm...sounds a little too easy to me. I'm not convinced that Kim Jung il (see, I really do read The Economist) is really willing to give up his nuclear ambitions. Any man stubborn enough to keep wearing jumpsuits and maintaining an Asian perm beyond the 1980's surely won't give up nuclear weapons research that easily.

Blowing up some tower doesn't really mean anything. After I tricked a girl into becoming my girlfriend, I destroyed the porn collection under my bed to prove that I'd changed. But that doesn't mean I'm no longer a porn aficionado - especially since I now keep my favorite five movies and magazines in an even better hiding place.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Rock, Paper, Scissors

When I was a kid, I always dreamed about playing a major league sport. That dream quickly faded when I developed self-awareness and realized I was Asian. So I studied engineering.

But now my dream has been rekindled - with the discovery of the USARPS - the United States of America Rock, Paper, Scissors League. Yes, that's right. Armed with the knowledge of three hand symbols, and the ability to choose one of them - I too can be a contender.

This is no joke. The USARPS is a serious league - and believe it or not, there IS a strategy. For example, females open with scissors 60% of the time, while males tend to open with rock. Probably because men like to smash things, while women like to cut up and throw away your dreams.

A tournament is held in Vegas every year and the winner gets $50,000. This year, the winner will also get a free trip to Beijing, where he/she will compete in the inaugural International Rock Paper Scissors Federation Championship held simultaneously with the Olympics. But the money and fame must pale in comparison with the bragging rights afforded to the winner - because as everyone knows, winning ANYTHING via rock, paper, scissors is one of the best feelings in the world. The sheer joy of winning something with just a hand symbol will always trump the over-rated satisfaction of accomplishing something through hard work. And while other athletes train for years and risk injury, RPS players sit on the couch and worry about hangnails.

I've already signed up.