Masturbation for your health

Australian researchers have found that frequent masturbation may help men cut their risk of contracting prostate cancer - making this discovery the most important medical discovery in the history of medical discoveries.

Apparently, if you don't glaze your carrot enough, carcinogens may build up in the prostate. The researchers surveyed more than 1,000 men who had developed prostate cancer, and 1,250 men who had not. Men who shook hands with the unemployed the most between the ages of 20 and 50 were the least likely to get cancer.

I'm obviously very happy with this research since it finally gives meaning to the thousands of hours I've spent alone in my room, in the shower, in the back seat of a theater, inside the airplane lavatory, etc. I may be going blind, but at least my prostate will be strong like bull.