Friday, June 30, 2006

Dutch Condom Commercials

European condom commercials are generally much more entertaining than American condom commercials. Probably because they can actually talk about sex.

Take this one from the Netherlands for example. It features a hot woman in a stewardess uniform - always a guaranteed crowd pleaser.

What is it about the stewardess uniform? Is it the image of authority it conveys? Or maybe it's the image of servitude. Or maybe it's the fact that when she's asks "Beef or chicken?" you imagine yourself saying with a wink: "How about some of you." And then she magically agrees to have sex with you in the lavatory. Yeah, that's totally happened before.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

World Cup Fever: Germany

Now that my original favorite team, Sweden, is out of the World Cup - I think I'm going to start cheering for Germany. Why Germany? Because German cars are some of the safest on the road. Very large airbags.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Weed Iced Tea

Everyone already knows that the Swiss are the best when it comes to making watches and small pocket knives. Who knew that they were also awesome at brewing iced tea?

"C-Iced Swiss Cannabis Ice Tea" is Swiss drink that contains five percent hemp flower syrup and a tiny quanity of THC. Unfortunately, it still only available in Europe - which explains why Europeans are generally lazier but happier than Americans. I've never tried it myself, but I bet it would really quench my thrist - and then somehow make me very hungry.

What a brilliant yet simple idea: putting small quanities of recreational drugs into everyday food and beverage. I can't wait until they put cocaine in fondue.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Chain-Smoking Monkey

A chain-smoking chimpanzee in China named Xiku has almost kicked his habit. That's right - a monkey that actually smokes. Finally, the missing link between primates and the Marlboro Man.

Xiku became addicted to smoking by mimicking the habits of humans during a career as a circus performer - marking yet another tobacco industry accomplishment: successfully crossing over into another species. And they didn't even need to spend a single dollar in marketing - the monkey just copied what his owners were doing. Interesting because I was actually thinking about getting a pet monkey myself. Probably a bad idea since we'd constantly be fighting over the PS2 and gonzo porn collection.

According to one of Xiku's zoo keepers:
"We sometimes gave him some sunflower seeds or a bottle of beer to help him shake off the addiction and visitors are no longer allowed to throw him cigarettes."
Lovely. Sunflower seeds and beer to cure a cigarette addiction. In a few weeks, he'll be beating his wife.

Monday, June 26, 2006

Japanese Pillows

I've finally figured out why the Japanese are so good at innovation. They stick electronics into things where electronics aren't supposed to be.

This time around, the crazy Japanese have invented a pillow called "Sleep Doctor". The pillow has sensors to analyze sleep patterns and then provides advice and encouragement on a miniature screen.

I cry myself to sleep every night, so I personally don't need the pillow, but apparently, sleep deprivation is a huge issue in Japanese society. According to the article:
Japan has one of the highest rates of sleep deprivation in the world because of long working hours. A recent study said sleep deprivation and insomnia costs the Japanese economy 3.5 trillion yen (30.7 billion dollars) a year, mainly in lost productivity.
I'm not an economist, but I'm pretty sure the "lost productivity" actually stems from the fact that they're spending time inventing pillows with freaking sensors.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Happy Summer: Jackie Guerrido

Okay - my female readers are really going to hate me now. I know I've been a little one-dimensional this week - but I promise it's only temporary. It's been a really busy week - and being perverted is easy since it comes so naturally to me.

Here's the glorious Jackie Guerrido again. In the first video I posted, she wore white pants. In the the second, a black dress. In celebration of the first day of summer - here's everyone's favorite weather girl in an even shorter white skirt.

By the way - did you notice that's it's 69 degrees in Kansas City? Yes, it's true - I have the mental maturity of a 13-year old.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

World Cup Fever: Brazil

Yes, I'm talking about the World Cup again - but hey - I've got World Cup fever. And you can probably see why. Brazil is favored to win it all - and I usually like to cheer for the underdog. But for two really big reasons, I'm willing to make an exception.

And for a different perspective on the whole issue, see below:

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

World Cup Draws

The United States soccer team played to a 1-1 draw against Italy this past weekend. And for some inexplicable reason, everyone started celebrating. The American sports media starting praising the U.S. team with such cliched statements as: "they played with a lot of heart", or "they showed grit and courage." What the hell. I am missing something? Not only did they NOT win, they're really lucky they didn't lose (Italy scored on their own goal).

When did we start praising mediocrity? That sort of praise should only be reserved for special occasions - like when a kid learns how to tie his shoelaces, or when President Bush gets through a speech without mispronouncing any words. It should never apply to sports.

And that's why soccer is weird. It's one of those rare sports where people get all excited over a draw. Maybe I'm old school, but I think every game needs to have clear winner and a loser -- just like in any good capitalist society. So in conclusion, if you like soccer, you're a communist.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

World Cup Fever: Sweden

Everyone knows that Swedish stewardesses are hot. Apparently, Swedish soccer fans are pretty hot too. Especially when they're in groups. Wearing bikinis. And kissing each other.

Actually, anything Swedish girls do is generally picture worthy. I'm going to buy myself a Volvo.

Friday, June 16, 2006

FEMA Fraud

In yet another example of why the "F" in FEMA should really stand for "fucked", a federal audit this week found that at least $1 billion in disaster relief paid by the Federal Emergency Management Agency was fraudulent. Apparently, the only thing people had to do was make up a name and social security number. Seriously. In some cases, they didn't even check.

A few examples of FEMA brilliance:
  • $1000 for a divorce lawyer
  • $200 for a bottle of champagne
  • $300 for "Girls Gone Wild" videos
  • $400 for adult erotica products
  • $600 in a strip club
Funny - I had no idea that Charlie Sheen lived in New Orleans.

Perhaps I can get FEMA to fund my own entertainment budget. It's pretty much the same as Mr. Sheen's except for the divorce lawyer. Plus, "Girls Gone Wild" just isn't dirty enough for me.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Trampoline Dunking Accidents

A while ago, I wrote about how getting hit in the balls was a cheap way to get a laugh. Well, I found another way: Trampoline Dunking Accidents. I didn't realize people actually did this - but maybe it's a cultural thing that I just can't understand. Those crazy white kids.

And you gotta love that poor kid's friends. Really helpful guys. They'll probably end up working at the DMV when they grow up.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

World Cup Fever

Most of the world is experiencing World Cup fever. Except here in America. Probably because our team sucks big time.

Here's my lazy attempt to get people interested in soccer again. Her name is Ninel Conde - some Mexican actress/singer. Yeah, I've never heard of her either - but do a Google image search and you might be a new fan.

This picture is related to the World Cup because she's holding a soccer ball. Plus she has two of her own.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Intermittent Explosive Disorder

Last week, a new study released in the Archives of General Psychiatry explored the underlying cause of road-rage. It's supposedly called Intermittent Explosive Disorder - or I.E.D. for short - and it reportedly affects up to 16 million Americans. Weird. By some strange coincidence, approximately 16 million Americans also simply just have a bad temper.

According to the report, I.E.D. by definition involves "multiple outbursts that are way out of proportion to the situation". Which basically describes every argument I've ever had with a woman.

Do these researchers actually do any research? Apparently, if you just take a normal condition and describe it with a fancy acronym - you've successfully found a new disease.

Dude, I could be a researcher. I hereby declare P.D.D. - Perpetual Douchebag Disorder, a nationwide epidemic. Symptoms include "continuous outbursts of being a disproportionately huge asshole in every situation", sunglasses with big logos, and non-athletic wristbands. High concentrations can be found in Los Angeles, and parts of Orange County.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Behind the Music that Sucks: David Hasselhoff

It's Friday, so hopefully all you slackers out there have time to watch a semi-long (4 mins) video during your lunch break. Trust me, it's worth it. Anything that examines the inconceivably successful career of David Hasselhoff is worth it.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Paris Hilton's new music video

Finally - the moment I know everyone has been anxiously waiting for. The release of Paris Hilton's first music video "Stars Are Blind".

Surprisingly, there are no night vision scenes, and she doesn't actually have sex in the video. But she gets kinda close toward the end. Close enough that the male model should really get checked out by a doctor for rashes.

The video actually reminds me of Madonna's Cherish video. Except Madonna is somewhat talented. Great job Paris. Way to get inspiration from 1995.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

National Celibacy Month

June is National Celibacy Awareness month - which is probably the most redundant of all the "something" awareness months. Because if you're celibate - I'm pretty sure you're already aware of your situation. People tend to realize when things really suck. They don't need to be reminded.

Personally, I've been "aware" of my situation since March - so for me, March, April and May were ALL celibacy awareness months. The last thing I need is for June to be another.

Who comes up with these national awareness months anyway? And how do they match the causes to the months? Whoever the person is, they must like staying at home in two month stretches - because by some strange coincidence, National Celibacy Awareness month comes right after National Masturbation month.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Jessica Alba as a Host

Jessica Alba hosted the 2006 MTV Movie Awards this past weekend. It was her first time hosting an awards show. I haven't seen the show yet since it doesn't air until Thursday, but something tells me that she did a really good job. And by "something" I mean the puddle of drool that's collecting on my keyboard. Yes, it's just drool. For now.

In fact, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that without much effort, she can do just about anything pretty good. Especially if she does it in a bikini.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Boxer Briefs

I wore some boxer-briefs the other day when I went running. As you might imagine, regular boxers just aren't that great at supporting pythons.

The boxer-brief is a relatively new invention that has quickly become a popular undergarment. But seriously - what's so special about them? They're basically just a pair of briefs with lengthened legs -- probably invented by the same genius who came up with the long-sleeve t-shirt.

The underwear industry is really trying to milk the most out of the tighty-whitey. They're now even marketed to women as "boyshorts." The result is pretty awesome - but once again, nothing new since everyone already knows that men's clothing automatically looks super-hot on a woman. Especially a men's tie. With nothing else. Or a men's hat. With nothing else. Pretty much anything - with nothing else.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Local News Slip-ups

Gotta love those local newscasters. They're usually pretty boring, but sometimes their smallest slip-ups result in the biggest hilarity.

I have no idea how she could possibily mix up "blind" and "gay". Do blind gay people even exist? After all, how can you have an impecable fashion sense and perfect hair if you can't even see?

Thursday, June 01, 2006

The Bottom Part of the Calendar

As I changed my wall calendar this morning from May to June, I couldn't help but think how easy it must be to actually make a calendar - especially the bottom part. All the dates have basically been set in stone since 1582 when the Gregorian calendar was made official by Pope Gregory XIII (today's fun fact), and the holidays really don't change from year to year.

If you think about it, the dude who gets stuck with doing the top-part of the calendar really gets a bum deal. Every year, he has to somehow come up with 12 interesting pictures that won't grow tired over the course of a month. Meanwhile, the dude responsible for the bottom part sits back and surfs for porn.

Sure, every 4 years, the bottom-part guy has to pay special attention and add an extra day - but that probably only takes 5 seconds. Then he's back to surfing for porn for another 4 years.

Remember back in school when you had to do group-projects and split up the work? I bet the bottom-part calendar guy is probably the same dick who always volunteered to "put everything together." I hated that guy.