Thursday, June 28, 2007

Paris and Larry Combined

History was made last night when the greatest gathering of uselessness took place. Paris Hilton was interviewed by Larry King - Paris' first interview since being released from jail.

I'm going to put Paris aside for now since that's a little too easy. But what's the deal with Larry King? Why does he get the exclusive interview? Why is he famous and how is he relevant? Back when I was a kid, and Larry King was 80, I asked myself these very questions thinking that as I got older, I would begin to understand what his appeal was - the same way that you start to like sushi.

Toro is now tasty to me, but Larry King is still just an old hunchback who sits in front of that cheesy world map made up of shiny dots. There's no way his show still makes money for CNN. The only possible explanation is that he has some grainy photos of Ted Turner getting a blowjob by a transvestite prostitute back from when they used to party together in the 1930's.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

NBC Dating Shows

I wasted 2 hours of my life yesterday watching two really stupid shows on NBC. Apparently, the programming execs at the Pea-Cock network have decided to flood their summer schedule with dating shows. One is Age of Love, which stars unranked Australian Tennis player Mark Philippoussis who has to decide between 6 cougars in their 40's and 6 kittens in their 20's. The other show is Science of Love, which stars NFL bench-warmer Adam Johnson who has to decide between a girl he chooses on his own and a girl that "science" chooses for him.

Let's ignore the obvious fact that these shows are degrading to women and reinforce insecurities and stereotypes - because despite the fact that I often post about hot weather women and models, I actually do care about their well-being. The ridiculous thing is that some bag of douche actually gets paid to come up with this crap. How hard could it be to find some C-list athlete and pit desperate girls against each other who have nothing else going on for them other than the desperate hope to hook up with a C-list athlete? In the 5 minutes I've thought about this topic, I've come up with some other, equally awesome shows:

Alphabet of Love
A-cups vs. B-cups vs. C-cups vs. D-cups. Mouthful, handful, or two-handful?

Dance of Love
Las Vegas strippers vs. Atlanta strippers. Which group will put out the most for $20 bucks?

Labor of Love
Nurses vs. Stewardesses. Both professions are in the service industry, but who has the hotter uniforms?

Love of Grooming
Women who groom to 1970's standards vs. Women who groom to 1990's standards. Is it better to play on grass, or does grass not grow on playgrounds?

Fever of Love
Attractive looking Caucasian women vs. mediocre/below average looking Asian women. How extreme can yellow fever get?

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Mary Gamarra

Yay! It's Mary Gamarra again. I received some very positive comments from my last post about her. She's also accounted for 50% of my traffic - so I'm going to try milking her for all I can. There's a joke somewhere to be made - but I'll pass because I'm above that.

I'm not really sure what she's wearing here - looks like a giant pair of boxer-briefs. But she does have that belt which totally saves the outfit. That, and the fact that she has the body of a stripper.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

The London Olympic Logo

Last week, the organizing committee of the 2012 London Olympics unveiled the official logo of the games. Look at it. Seriously, that's the logo. It's not something I just made with Microsoft Paint to be funny. A brand consultancy actually spent one year and charged £400,000 (almost $800,000) to come up with the logo - pissing off millions of Kindergarten students around the world who felt that they deserved the money instead.

And the story gets better. An animated version of the logo on the Games' official website was removed because it caused seizures. Because epileptics also react negatively to crap.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

There is still hope: Paris back in jail

Well, it looks like there's still some hope left for America because Paris Hilton is back in jail. But then again, this pathetic ordeal has also been the top story on multiple newscasts around the country.

So the net result is that Paris Hilton continues to contribute to America's decline as a global superpower. Good going Paris. If I have to move to China in 5 years to find a job I'm totally blaming you.

Friday, June 08, 2007

Paris Escapes Jail

Wow...Paris has done it again. First, she magically reduced her sentence in half for "good behavior". Yesterday she was sent home under house arrest for an undisclosed medical condition - spending only 3 days in jail for a 23 day sentence. Normally, I would feel sorry for someone who has the medical condition of having 10 STD's at the same time - but my compassion ends for spoiled, talentless quasi-celebrities.

Naturally, people everywhere are outraged that Paris is somehow "above the law". It's is a first for someone who is usually below a set of testicles.

Friday, June 01, 2007

Allison Stokke

Allison Stokke is the internet's latest sensation - and unless you're gay or blind - it's pretty obvious why. Except unlike the thousands of sluts who purposely seek fame by posting slutty photos on MySpace or strip-tease videos YouTube, this latest internet phenomenon wasn't looking for any attention. In fact, she's kinda freaked out. Allison is a high school pole vaulter who just happens to be attractive. Some regular photos of her caught the attention of various bloggers - and now, she's the new dream girl of nerds around the world. If she plays her cards right, she'll be set for life.

At first, I was hesitant about writing about her. After all, I didn't want to contribute to all this unwanted attention. But then again, she's 18 - so she's legal (barely). And if Larry Flynt can create an entire porno series about Barely Legal 18 year olds, I can certainly post a few pictures. Plus she's hot and her main hobby is manipulating a long pole. Sorry Allison, but that's just way to easy to pass up.