DiGiorno

Quick - name a brand of frozen pizza. Crap - the title of this post probably already gave the answer away. But I bet you would have said DiGiorno anyway. Don't ask me how I know. I just know.

DiGiorno owes much of its success to its famous slogan: "It's not Delivery ... It's DiGiorno." Have you actually tried DiGiorno? Unless you've lost your tastebuds in a tragic hotpocket accident, I'm fairly certain you can tell it's not even close to delivery. But for some reason, they still manage to get away with lying in their slogan. Okay - I guess they're not technically lying. They're actually right - it really isn't delivery. And for all I know, DiGiorno could be Italian for shit. So technically, it's a logically accurate slogan. And technically, it also says absolutely nothing.

My life would be so much easier if I could apply the same meaningless logic to successfully advertise myself. I'd head down to Florida for spring training, and tell the hottest FSU sorority girl I could find: "I'm not a professional ballplayer .... I'm an Asian Mathalete" - and she'd immediately eat my pepperoni. And by pepperoni, I mean a tasty pepperoni casserole I'll cook for her when she comes to my place for dinner and pleasant conversation. Because I'd really like to get to know her first.

The Beer Institute

There's a very random TV commercial currently airing that features people from different countries saying "Cheers" in different languages. It's not from Budweiser, Coors, or even America's finest - Pabst Blue Ribbon. It's actually a commercial from the Beer Institute. Yes, there's an institute for beer - and its mission is to represent and promote the beer industry. Because dammit - Americans just aren't drinking enough beer.

I bet being CEO of the Beer Institute is a pretty awesome job. I would sit in my sweet office and spend the entire day pimping out my MySpace profile and IM'ing my friends funny links. Meanwhile, my fellow Americans will have consumed 20 million gallons of beer in one day. Another day, another job well done.

If you happen to be from the Beer Institute and you're reading this, please contact me immediately. I have some great business ideas for you. How about a Rice Institute in China? Or a Bagel Institute in New York? Or better yet, a Douchebag Institute in Los Angeles? My research shows that the growth potential for redundant institutes is phenomenal.

Getting Hit in the Balls

Man - it must suck to be this guy. He really took one where it counts. Other than forgetting your wedding anniversary, this is probably the most painful thing a guy will ever experience. Believe me - I feel sorry for him, but you have to admit, it's still kind of funny. Which brings me to my obvious observation: getting hit in the balls is the easiest way to get a laugh - which is basically why America's Funniest Home Videos is still on the air.

There's no need for me to comment any further because the video clip speaks for itself. Now please excuse me as I put on my metal pants.

The Third Bobsledder

The Olympic event I've been waiting for finally starts tomorrow - the exciting 4-Man Bobsled, or as the bourgeois call it - Bobsleigh. Maybe this will be the event that finally boosts NBC's dismal TV ratings. And maybe Brian Boitano likes girls.

Of all the Winter Olympic events - this is the one that I actually have a shot at competing in. As long as I'm the Third Bobsledder. Because as the 3rd dude in the sled, you really don't have to do a thing. Seriously. The first guy drives the sled, the second guy backs up the first guy, and the last guy stops the sled at the end. The third guy - well, he just sits in the middle. Sure, he has to run along with everyone at the beginning - but with 2 guys in front, and 1 guy in back - he's pretty much covered. He's really more of a weight than an athlete. And if the team makes it to the podium, they ALL get a medal - even that 3rd guy in the middle who just came along for the ride.

The Third Bobsledder: a true champion of freeloading. If he wasn't in a bobsled, he'd be cheating the welfare system.

Nick Lachey

Nick Lachey filed papers in L.A. Superior Court last week asking for the right to request spousal support from Jessica Simpson. This guy has got to be a medical marvel because apparently, he's completely missing the gene for pride.

In maintaining her track record of intelligence, Jessica did not request a pre-nup - meaning that Nick could be entitled to half of Jessica's earnings, which was a reportedly $35 million last year. And in a completely classy move, Nick is also requesting that Jessica return miscellaneous jewelry and other personal effects he gave her throughout their marriage.

When they announced their split back in November, the couple released this official statement:

"After three years of marriage, and careful thought and consideration, we have decided to part ways...This is the mutual decision of two people with an enormous amount of respect and admiration for each other..."

How lovely. And nothing says respect and admiration more than b*tch, give me those earrings back.

If Mr. 98 Degrees of Douche-nheit actually manages to cash out, he'll become the greatest scrub of all time. He was married to Jessica for just 3 years -- that's shorter than most employee-stock option vesting schedules. And how hard could being Jessica Simpson's husband really be? I'm sure it sucked being constantly known as Mr. Simpson, but it's nothing compared to what her GED tutor must have endured.

The Robot Dance

Come on, admit it - the Robot Dance is pretty damn funny. And it's easy to do! Of course, I'm not talking about complicated hi-tech Robot Dancing -- that takes real talent. I'm talking about something that even I can do - simple low-tech Robot Dancing: bent arms, kung-fu hands, and quick intermittent turns of the head and torso. Believe me, you'll get guaranteed laughs. And despite the easiness of the dance, you'll still look pretty impressive doing it (a strange phenomenon - just like how everyone looks good dancing under strobe lights).

The difficulty in mastering most dances is that you need to be extremely flexible and smooth. For the Robot Dance, you just need to be stiff and choppy. And anyone can be stiff and choppy. Trust me, I've seen British people do this dance.

So next time when you're out dancing with your friends, make sure you bust out your sweet robot moves. And if they start to make fun of you, just remember: You can dance if you want to. You can leave your friends behind...

U.S. Olympic Snowboarding

The U.S. has pretty much dominated all the snowboarding events at this year's Winter Olympics. As of yesterday, we've won 50% of ALL the snowboarding medals. Now I don't claim to be an Olympic expert - but perhaps our dominance can be traced back to the fact that we freakin' invented the sport.

China - a country of 1.3 billion people and a perennial athletic powerhouse - does not have a single snowboard athlete. Maybe it's because snowboards are too expensive there, or maybe it's because the government doesn't provide funding - but I'm guessing it's because there are no halfpipes in China.

Since we've started to add events that involve halfpipes to the Olympics, we might as well incorporate the entire X-Games. Team USA would kick so much ass. I'd kill to see a Bulgarian on a BMX bike, or a Nigerian on a skateboard doing a nollie flip 540. Hell - let's take the Americanization of the Olympics to the limit and add gun violence as an event.

Cheney's Got a Gun

The comedic stars must have been aligned last weekend when the Vice President shot his friend. Not since Clinton shot all over that blue dress, has there been an event that offers such an abundant source of guaranteed comedic material. Take this music video parody for example. "Cheney" perfectly rhymes with "Janie" -- and he indeed did have a gun. Not much of a strech there. It's as if the Dick was daring the world to make fun of him.

Let's recap: Dick Cheney, a man everyone loves to hate, does the whitest thing possible - hunting, and shoots his friend - who happens to be a lawyer. It's such as perfect combination of circumstance that it's pretty hard to believe. I'm a little scared that Ashton is going to sneak up at anytime and tell us we've all been Punk'd.

Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue Cover

This year'’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue hit newsstands this week. According to Mark Ford, the president and publisher of SI, it'’s the most widely read single issue of any magazine in the world -- largely due to the fact that it'’s the most widely used masturbatory aid for boys 15 and under.

Check out the cover. Back in the day, the editors toiled for weeks upon weeks - trying to precisely target that perfect girl who, for an entire year, would represent the ultimate in unattainability. Then, in 1994 they cheated a bit and put three girls on the cover. In 1996 they put two. This year, they'’ve opted to carpet bomb the cover with EIGHT.

What a cop-out. It'’s like Playboy picking all twelve girls to be Playmate of the Year. Or just as equally obvious - picking me and all of my human clones to be People magazine's sexiest man alive. With so much to choose from, there's bound to be something you'll like. Much like a Chinese buffet - minus the dog.

Okay, I'll admit -- you won't have to twist my arm - I'm still going to buy the issue. In fact, I'’m heading out to pick up my copy now. I'm so excited - I feel like a 15-year old again. So seriously, don't twist my arm. Because I'm going to need it.

Avis

"We try harder."” That'’s the famous slogan of Avis, the car rental company. And it seems to have worked - since after all these years, I still see their little booth at the airport.

Somehow, simply just "trying harder"” has led them to success - which is obviously a ridiculous concept. The world would be a much different place if effort actually counted for anything: Walter Mondale would have been president, William Hung would win a Grammy, and The Special Olympics and the regular Olympics would be held together.

My life in particular would be super awesome - because when I'm at a bar standing next to Tom Brady, and we're both hitting on some hot supermodel, I'’d just have to whisper in her ear "Baby, I try harder" and she'd ditch the 3-time Super Bowl champion quarterback/overall stud -- and go home with me. But that's never going to happen. Damn you Hertz.

Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day! A day when no guy can afford to be lazy - and when all the ladies can just sit back, relax, and enjoy being showered with flowers, chocolates, and gifts - perhaps a Pajama-Gram. Or even a Vermont Teddy Bear. Or my favorite when I feel like splurging - a homemade coupon for a free backrub.

Maybe I'm guilty of stereotyping the male and female roles on this holiday - but then again, if we couldn't stereotype the sexes, then mediocre stand-up comedians would have nothing left to talk about. Well - I guess Black comedians could still talk about how White people can't dance. And Latino comedians could still talk about how loco gringos are. And Asian comedians could still talk about how much better they are at math than everybody else.

On second thought - stereotyping is pretty fun and easy. So gentleman, tonight when you're late for your Valentine's dinner because you refused to ask for directions, you're going to be in really deep shit because your woman is already pissed off for absolutely no reason at all. And if you want any hope of making her happy again, make sure you drop by Kay Jewelers and buy a diamond. Because a Diamond is Forever. And every kiss begins with Kay.

Cheesy Bites Pizza

Pizza Hut's new Cheesy Bites Pizza features a pull-apart outer crust consisting of 28 cheese-filled bites - making it the most necessary food invention ever - since I've always had the desire to eat small bits of bread stuffed with cheese just before eating a larger piece of bread topped with cheese.

It appears that Pizza Hut's product innovation philosophy is simply to stuff as much cheese as possible into areas of the pizza previously unoccupied by cheese -- which is completely reasonable if your goal is to kill your customers. First they invented the stuffed crust - but that wasn't good enough since the pizza still looked normal. So now they've completely reconfigured the stuffed crust to make the pizza look like an 18-inch cornhole.

I bet I'd be a pretty awesome CEO of Pizza Hut. I'd demonstrate leadership by storming out of the boardroom at the end of every meeting yelling "Goddammit! Just give me more cheese!" And then one day, my food engineers will tell me that there's no more room left for cheese - and I'd respond by storming out of the boardroom yelling something non-cliche like "Goddammit! Think outside the box!" And then they'd make the pizza box out of cheese and I'd be hailed as the best CEO ever. Hypothetically of course.

Peanut Butter Jelly Time!

Peanut Butter Jelly Time

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I know this is a little old – but every time I see it I laugh. Maybe it’s because I have the mental capacity of a 10-year old - or maybe it’s pretty damn funny. I’ll let you decide.

The origin of this clip dates back to the early 2000’s and is based on a song recorded by the Buckwheat Boys. The first known version of the animation is here. But I personally think this Family Guy clip represents the best execution of the comedic elements - which consist of: Peanut Butter, Jelly, and a Baseball Bat. I don't know about you - but in my experience, you really can't go wrong with those three things.

Cover of Vanity Fair

Check out this latest Vanity Fair cover. It's pretty awesome. Keira Knightly and Scarlett Johansson are sprawled across the floor -- completely naked. Not to be picky - but the one thing that would make this picture better is if both their arms were at slightly different angles - and if they were lying next to a pile of money. Because I'm a rap star. But overall, with this level of talent in front of you, you'd have to be an epileptic riding a bull to mess up taking this picture.

Hmm...it doesn't look like Scarlett is getting a lot of love. She's just lying there all alone looking for something to do. Drawing upon my vast experience, Rule #1 in a menage-a-trois is to ensure that all the ladies have something to do. Rule #2 is that I sometimes use the words "vast experience" to refer to my massive porn collection.

Denmark

The country of Denmark is making the news these days with those cartoons that have basically pissed off the entire Muslim world. Oh CRAP. I hope the moustache and glasses I penciled in on a photo of Tom Cruise in US Weekly doesn't provoke an angry mob of Scientologists to torch my apartment.

Apart from the mass riots, flag-burning and general threats of violence, I'm actually glad that Denmark is getting a little more world attention. It's about time someone closely examined what this country has really contributed to the world:

LEGO: Unless your child wants to build a replica of a brick, they'll need at least 2 million pieces to create anything that looks remotely realistic.
Bang & Olufsen: Makers of completely impractical CD players owned by rich douchebags.
Carlsberg: Dude, even Rhode Island has its own brewery.

And speaking of islands, how the hell did Denmark end up claiming Greenland? Sure, it's pretty much a block of ice, but have you seen it on a map? It's freakin' HUGE. I say let's just take it. I don't know much about the Danish Army, but I'm pretty sure Vince Young could take them on.

By the way, if you're a hot blonde Danish woman - I'm totally kidding.

Monkeys in Commercials

As a general rule in life, you really can't go wrong with monkeys. Especially in commercials. During the advertising industry's biggest pissing contest of the year - otherwise known as the Super Bowl, Careerbuilder.com once again featured the infamous office chimpanzees in its commercials. And despite the relatively low-brow humor of chimps dressed in suits jumping on desks - I must admit that I laughed. Surprising, given the high-brow nature of this blog. Boobies.

Even with the monkey's long tradition in commercials, I've noticed that they've been somewhat typecast as "trouble-makers" -- which really isn't cool since they're not even unionized. It's time to unleash the monkey's full advertising potential: instead of having Jessica Simpson in those lame Proactive Solution infomercials, why not feature a monkey? I've never seen a monkey with a pimple - and what you'll lose in looks, you'll gain in general problem solving.

Clearly, the advertising possibilities for monkeys are endless. Except for Victoria's Secret commercials. Those are just fine the way they are. Boobies.

The Steelers Terrible Towel

Congratulations to the Pittsburgh Steelers, champions of Super Bowl XL. Personally, I was disappointed since I bet $100 on the Seahawks - but I must admit, it's nice to see something good happen to a city that's still trying to ride the steel industry bandwagon.

What does bother me is that Steelers fan accessory known as The Terrible Towel - the yellow towels that Steelers fans twirl in the air. Out of curiosity, I did some research and discovered that some dude actually invented this thing. You can buy the official towel for $7.00.

At first, this disgusted me. But then I harnessed my creativty for 2 seconds and came up with The Fantastic Facecloth. Get it? In the same way that The Terrible Towel smartly employs alliteration with two T's, I've done it with two F's!!! Brilliant. I'm going to make millions.

And to everyone out there who actually works for a living - you're wasting your time. All you really need to do is go to Bed Bath and Beyond.

Hooters Casino Hotel

Holy Boobies! Today marks the grand-opening of the Hooters Casino Hotel in Las Vegas. The self-proclaimed "delightfully tacky yet refined" chain of restaurants continues to extend its simple yet genius business model: a big-breasted themed [_____] will make money.

In discussing the hotel's opening, Ed Droste, one of the six founding members of Hooters and my life-coach, said:

"The Hooters customer is already a Vegas kind of customer. They're a little punky, they're a little high energy, they're looking for a getaway - and all of those things just match up"

...which is a very nice way of saying: Guys love Vegas. Guys love boobies. This is the easiest decision I've ever made in my life.

Even though the official opening is today, the owners are still working on some finishing touches. In March, Nippers Pool Bar will open. I SWEAR I didn't make that up. And in the ongoing spirit of subtlety, I suggest that they follow up with Mrs. Mammary's Olde Style Dairy Parlor and Tits O'Toole Irish Pub.That's two more reasons to go.

Groundhog Day

Awesome. It's Groundhog Day. I'm sure there's some elaborate story involving some sort of tradition that explains why this day even exists - but it's more fun to just assume that all the people in Punxsutawey, Pennsylvania are retards. After all, they've worshipped an overweight rodent for over 100 years.

And what a lazy-ass rodent he is. "Phil", as he's called, essentially works one day a year. The rest of the time, the townsfolk stuff him with food and provide him with shelter. I bet that really pisses off the other groundhogs. I bet they stare at Phil with a combination of envy and disgust as they burrow their way past his palatial bog scavenging for something to eat.

Tonight during the evening news, you'll probably see Phil on TV, surrounded by old men dressed up in their super-sweet 19th Century costumes, eagerly awaiting to see if Phil sees his own shadow. And I bet that somewhere in Pennsylvania, there's a groundhog perched up on a ledge peering through a window, watching the TV, and giving Phil the finger.

Playboy's Girls of MySpace

Playboy just announced what I knew would be inevitable - they will be seeking out girls on MySpace for a special "Girls of MySpace" pictorial. If you're familiar at all with the site you'll immediately realize that this will be Playboy's easiest casting event ever.

Spend just 5 minutes on MySpace and you'll quickly discover that you're flipping through a glorified spring break photo album. And because of that, I've spent over 500,000 minutes on MySpace. During this time, I've learned quite a bit about the youth of today: A) bikinis are considered formal wear, B) the definition of the word "Friend" has changed and now means "Anyone", and C) many girls prefer tattoos over underwear.

Of course, this isn't Playboy's first "Girls of..." special. They've previously featured girls from Starbucks, Wal-Mart, and McDonald's -- and if those companies represented the sweet girl next door - then MySpace represents the village whore.