Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue Cover

This year'’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue hit newsstands this week. According to Mark Ford, the president and publisher of SI, it'’s the most widely read single issue of any magazine in the world -- largely due to the fact that it'’s the most widely used masturbatory aid for boys 15 and under.

Check out the cover. Back in the day, the editors toiled for weeks upon weeks - trying to precisely target that perfect girl who, for an entire year, would represent the ultimate in unattainability. Then, in 1994 they cheated a bit and put three girls on the cover. In 1996 they put two. This year, they'’ve opted to carpet bomb the cover with EIGHT.

What a cop-out. It'’s like Playboy picking all twelve girls to be Playmate of the Year. Or just as equally obvious - picking me and all of my human clones to be People magazine's sexiest man alive. With so much to choose from, there's bound to be something you'll like. Much like a Chinese buffet - minus the dog.

Okay, I'll admit -- you won't have to twist my arm - I'm still going to buy the issue. In fact, I'’m heading out to pick up my copy now. I'm so excited - I feel like a 15-year old again. So seriously, don't twist my arm. Because I'm going to need it.