Streaking and Farting

Nothing is more effective at eliciting a reaction than streaking and farting in front of a local television news reporter. And by reaction I mean a very awkward "Oh my goodness."

The reporter is shocked but she really shouldn't be. After all, she's on the campus of Western Washington University. I don't know anything about that school, but given it's location - I'm guessing there's not a lot to do besides streaking and farting.

Bush's New Press Secretary

Yesterday, President Bush named Tony Snow, the Fox News commentator, as his new press secretary. Wow. The Bush Administration really went out on a limb with this pick. And by limb, I mean the limb of a midget.

Could the the Bush administration be anymore obvious by picking someone from the Fox News? I was under the impression that they were trying to hide their cozy relationship with the infamous cable news channel. But this announcement is as shocking as two cousins in West Virgina finally revealing that they've been sleeping with each other. And in both cases, you end up with retards.

Sure, as a "Fair and Balanced" commentator, Tony Snow has publicly criticized Bush's policies. But seriously - who does he think he's fooling? We all know it's really just for show - just like NFL players volunteering for the United Way. Sure, they read stories to under-priviledged kids one day out of the year - but for the other 364 days, they're screwing hookers on a boat.

Shakira's Hips

Shakira has nice hips. And apparently, they don't lie. Her latest single "Hips Don'’t Lie" has been steadily climbing the Billboard chart for the past 5 weeks.

But it's really a stupid song if you think about it. Because of course her hips don't lie. My hips have never spoken to me, let alone lie to me. In fact, I don't think anybody's hips are capable of falsehood. So why does she need to sing a song to point that out?

Probably because she has nice hips and she wants to world to know by singing about them. I get it Shakira - you've got nice hips. Really nice. Even if they were somehow lying, I'd forgive them. But it's just plain lazy to sing about something that so obviously describes your best feature. I don‚’t hear Dolly Parton singing “"My Boobs are Huge", or Kylie Minogue singing "My Ass is Tight", or Christina Aguilera singing "I'm a Dirty Whore".

If you want to impress us, sing about something we don't know - something that reveals your inner vulnerabilities and insecuritiess to make you more relatable to regular people. Something like: "I Look Bad in the Morning", or "My Shit Stinks Too".

Wikipedia

I'’m sure many people have heard of Wikipedia by now. It'’s the free online encyclopedia that has exploded in popularity - recently surpassing one million articles with versions in over 200 languages. It'’s the number one reference site on the internet.

But the most amazing thing about Wikipedia is that the founder, Jimmy Wales, doesn't have to do a thing. Seriously. Absolutely nothing at all. The site's users write and edit all the articles and the backend software is all open-source. It's the holy grail of laziness: getting other people to volunteer to do your work for no reward - all under the pretense that it's for the greater good. Interesting ... sounds an awful like Communism veiled as an internet reference site. Very sneaky. Lazy Commie bastards.

In a related story, the entire executive board of Encyclopedia Britannica has committed suicide.

Free Breast Exams

Last week, police in Florida charged a 76-year-old man with sexual assault after discovering that he was going door-to-door claiming to be a doctor and offering free breast exams. At least two women, both in their 30's, let the suspect Phillip Winikoff into their homes where he fondled them.

For the record, what this guy did was completely despicable. Off the record, I give the guy credit for trying something that ridiculously obvious - and actually being able to find two dumbest women in America. Not surprisingly, they both lived in Florida.

My god - look at him. As a general rule, people with glasses that make their eyes look that big can't be trusted. I wouldn't let this guy in my house to fix my cable. But apparently, he managed to fool his two victims by just carrying a black bag and claiming to be visiting on behalf of a local hospital. Do doctors even carry around black bags anymore? Maybe I should carry around some horseshoes and claim to be the town blacksmith.

Toyota Commercial

Such a straight-forward commercial. So brilliant in its simplicity and effectiveness. No voice-over, celebrity endorser, or monkeys playing drums -- it just gets straight to the point(s). Toyota would definitely be more awesome if they could get away with showing this on American TV. Oh well, at least we can still watch things getting blown-up. Now that's moving forward.

For people at work - this is safe. PG-13.

Dr. Phil

Dr. Phil sucks.
A lot.
He's probably one of the most annoying people on TV - and now he's spreading his suckage to the internet teaming up with match.com to give dating advice. Dr. Phil has developed a three-step system called "MindFindBind" to help singles seek and maintain relationships. First of all, that just sounds retarded. Second - look at him. The only relationship this guy is an expert on is his intimate relationship with donuts.

Which begs the question - why is this guy even famous? From what I understand, he used to be a regular on Oprah. Is he even a real doctor? I don't think anyone has actually checked his credentials. Are we just supposed to trust Oprah that he's legit? Because that really worked out with James Frey.

Okay - I'll give him some credit. I did some research and found out that he actually did go to college and earned a B.A., M.A. and Ph.D. in clinical psychology -- from freaking North Texas State University. Not to be an academic snob - but Texas State is bad enough - imagine how awesome North Texas State must be. Well I'll tell you how awesome. It's home to such notable alumni as "Stone Cold" Steve Austin and "Meatloaf".

You know a college must be legit if its most famous alumni are best known by their nicknames. And if they all really like donuts.

Tom Cruise's Beneficiaries

Ever since Tom Cruise started revealing to the world that he's really psycho - it's been so easy to make fun of him. Now that he and "wife" Katie Holmes finally had their baby yesterday, it gets even easier. But late-night talkshow hosts and comedians aren't the only group that will benefit. There's another important group -- I'm talking about Aliens.

That's right. Aliens haven't had a lot of press recently - especially positive press. Movies usually portray them as evil creatures who want to take over the world, and feel-good alien shows like Alf and Third Rock have been off the air for a while. But with Tom Cruise being a creepy Scientologist, Katie being a brain-washed reproductive host, and both finally introducing their spawn to the world after a 9-month gestation period - thousands of TomKat-Alien jokes will now be told.

Now I admit, being linked to Tom Cruise isn't exactly the most positive association. But it's better than nothing at all. After all, if I was an alien today, I'd take any publicity I could get. In this new media environment with MySpace, iPods, and TiVo - you can't just abduct someone in Nebraska and expect the same level of attention.

Water Cooler Bastard

I work in an office. Yes, I know it's sad. There's a water cooler in my office and approximately three times a week, this water cooler gets empty. Two out of the three times - I have to change it.

If you consider how many people work in my office and the human body's required daily intake of liquids, the probability of me having to change the water tank 66% of the time is less than 1.33%. That's not based by any statistical analysis. It's just a feeling I have. Regardless, this means that there are several lazy bastards out there who see an empty tank and do nothing. In fact, they're so effing lazy that they would rather be thristy a little bit longer than lift a tank of water.

Of course, I excuse all females from water duty because I'm a gentleman. Except for Rosie O'Donnell. Because she could beat me up. But to all you lazy guys in my office - I'm going to eventually find out who you are. And when I do, I swear I'll never buy Girl Scout Cookies from your daughter ever again.

I don't have proof yet - I bet it's some dude in Accounts Receivable. Because it's always some dude in Accounts Receivable. Those crazy guys.

Yao Ming

Houston Rockets center Yao Ming underwent successful surgery on Friday to repair a clean break of the fifth metatarsal bone in his left foot. He'll be out 4-6 months and the surgery reportedly went well.

Meanwhile, the Rockets are in last place in their division and out of playoff contention. Could it be because Yao Ming isn't playing? Probably not. Because Yao Ming really isn't that good. Yes, I'm Asian and I didn't drink a bottle of Hate-orade. I'm just being honest. He's more of a biological freak than a good athlete - especially since he's Asian. Sure, there are plenty of tall dudes in the NBA - but a FREAKISHLY tall dude who grew up eating rice and kung-pao chicken - that's pretty damn rare.

If you think about it, it's really just the novelty of Yao and not his skill level that drives his enormous popularity. Oh yeah - plus he's got 1.3 billion fans by default.

Maybe it's a strange coincidence, but I once opened a fortune cookie that said: "In the land of the Asians, the 7-foot 6-inch man is King". I think the same rule applies in Mexico.

Dodging Questions

Isn't it incredible how things get so much easier when you don't have to actually answer a difficult question? It also must be nice to have the luxury of redirecting a question to somebody who even isn't in the room - especially if that somebody sucks as much as you do.

I admit - the question asked by the student is way above my head. But I'm an idiot. Our President shouldn't be. Either our President has humongous balls for trying to get away with deflecting a question to a subordinate - or he's incapable of feeling shame. I'm thinking it's the shame thing.

Stupid Sandwich

Okay, it's officially pick on Europeans week. Yesterday, the French, today, the English. Specifically, London Chef Scott MacDonald who created a $148 sandwich - supposedly the most expensive sandwich ever made.

Named the McDonald Sandwich, after it's creator, the ingredients are Wagyu beef, fresh lobe foie gras, black truffle mayonnaise, brie de meaux, rocket, red pepper and mustard confit, and English plum tomatoes, all packed into 24-hour fermented sour dough bread.

Look at that smirk on the chef's face. It's a smirk that says: "Check me out, I'm the most awesome chef in the world. I'm going to get laid because of this." Honestly, I hope someone beats him up on the way home. I don't care if he put crack cocaine in the sandwich, it's still a freakin sandwich (albeit, one that I would keep eating over and over again until my life spiraled out of control). It's just a bunch of crap in between two pieces of bread.

Considering that the only culinary contribution to the world the English can claim is fish n' chips and kidney pie, it's actually fitting that the one expensive entree they come up with ends up being a stupid-ass sandwich.

For his next project, Chef McDouche will prepare a $200 boiled egg. Since he's English, I'm sure he'll find a way to make it taste like kidneys.

French Students

The French are so easy to make fun of it's not even fair.

Last week, 1 million demonstrators, mostly students, protested nationwide against a proposed equal-opportunity law which would have allowed employers to fire workers under the age of 26 at anytime during a two-year trial period.

You've got to be kidding me. French guys already have an unfair advantage with that magical panty-removing accent - now they want continued guaranteed employment? It's ridiculous that an entire country's student body is so incompetent that they're scared of holding a job based on something as "crazy" as job performance. Sure, here in the U.S. we have our own mass protests over illegal immigration legislation - but after hearing about this, I'd hire a Mexican on a street corner over a lazy-ass Sorbonne graduate any day. I'm finally beginning to understand why the Le Car sucked so much.

And the best part of this story - this week, the French government actually caved into the pressure and abandoned the law. Prime Minister Dominique de Villepin, the main proponent of the job law, said he backed down after two months of holding firm amid street protests because "We had to get out of the crisis." Which is basically a fancy way of saying "I no longer have testicles."

Apparently, the French government is daring the world to make fun of them by doing exactly what they're historically famous for: surrendering. Okay, I'll concede that the Nazis were pretty scary - but a bunch of lazy college kids skipping class? Come on.

I told you the French were easy to make fun of.

Czech Beer Baths

So I randomly came across this special interest news story about Czech Beer Baths. Somehow the idea of taking a bath in beer caught my attention. Maybe because the idea of taking a bath in something you usually drink sounded stupid to me. But then I realized that I usually drink water too. Okay I admit - it was this picture of a dude sitting in beer. I wanted to find out what the hell his deal was. Because dude, he's sitting in beer.

The owners of the Chodovar Brewery in the small Czech town of Chodova Plana launched beer baths with the goal of tempting tourists to their new hotel. Mojmir Prokes, the young manager of the hotel and the adjoining beer spa explains:

"We had the beer, we had a mineral spring nearby and we came up with the idea of beer baths"

What this news story fails to point out is that "Mojmir Prokes" is really Czech for "Frank the Tank" -- a fraternity brother at the University of Prague chapter of Sigma Chi. He actually came up with the idea during a house party -- after running out of space in the fridge, he filled the backyard jacuzzi with ice, bottles of Perrier and cheap beer. The residue that remained at the bottom the next morning proved to be a hit with the frat-douches who passed out 4 hours earlier while digging around for one last brew-dog.

Just like all fancy spas today, The Beer Spa is not only committed to treating the body, but also the soul. Next month, they'll be offering their first group-bonding sessions based on the elephant walk.

How to Sell a Computer

Computers are so complicated these days. There are so many to choose from and so many options -- gigabytes, dual-core processors, PCI Express graphics, DDR2 SDRAM -- if you're not a geek or Asian, none of these terms make sense. So how in the world do you make this wonderful piece of technology simple to understand? Well you tell people exactly what a computer is good for - just like Randy, the awesome caller on this QVC clip.

Dude, I've got a Dell.

Haiku Poems

Japanese people are usually pretty hard working people - after all, they're Asian. They're generally known for their advanced consumer electronics, reliable automobilies, and incredibly perverse but well-thought out porno. But this Haiku poem they invented is just flat-out lazy. Haikus are short and easy -- just like how American servicemen view Japanese women.

A typical 17 syllable Haiku poem is structured in a 5 / 7 / 5 form. That might sound technical, but it's really not. A typical 8-year-old can write one. That's why they teach Haiku to school children. And that's why no one other than school children should be praised for writing one.

Unless you're stupid (un-less you're stu-pid) (5)
Or the U.S. President (or the U-S Pres-sid-dent) (7)
You can write Haiku (you can write Hai-ku) (5)

Pretty straightforward right? Let's try some more:

I wear bowling shoes
Some guy sprays them when I'm done
My feet are rancid

Wow, this is kind of fun:

This is the first verse
I like to repeat myself
This is the first verse

Okay, just one more. I promise:

The Lazy Asian
Celebrating success through
minimal effort

HOLY CRAP. That's Twlight Zone crazy.

Tori Spelling

If you've been desperate for entertainment, you may have caught last week's premiere of Tori Spelling's new show, "So NoTORIous" on VH1 - the same channel that brought us such time-wasters as the entire "Top 40 [Something] of All Time" series.

In her new show, Tori basically mocks herself. She plays a spoiled and talentless actress who makes her dog look ridiculous with doggie outfits. Not much of a stretch for her - but then again, with daddy around, she really hasn't had to stretch all her life - except for her cleavage to accommodate those horrendous looking breasts.

Tori - please stop trying to make yourself look better through artificial means. Sooner or later, you'll have to accept that you look funny and have buggy eyes just like your dad. Except that your dad is smart.

And please stop trying to deny that your dad helped get you on 90210. When you tried to go out on your own, you starred in 5 failed TV pilots and countless Lifetime Channel Movies of the Week playing a victimized women who's too stupid to leave her abusive man. I know this is so wrong to say - but in at least one of those movies, it would've been nice to see her stay in the relationship.

Talking about her new self-mocking show, Tori said:

"I've heard it all ... I'’d rather be making the joke than other people making it. So why not?"”

Sure Tori - people are laughing with you now. But that's only because you've started to laugh at yourself. Technically, we're still laughing at you. So nothing's changed. You still suck.

Useless Research Studies

In a study that will be published in the April issue of "Pediatrics", researchers found that sexually charged music, magazines, TV and movies push youngsters into intercourse at an earlier age.

HOLY CRAP. The next thing these researchers are going to tell me is that Lindsay Lohan is a negative influence on teenagers. Or that cocaine use is bad. Or that watching porno might arouse me. Please researchers - stop blowing my mind.

Jane Brown of the University of North Carolina and chief author of the report said:

"This is the first time we've shown that the more kids are exposed to sex in media the earlier they have sex ... (Youngsters) may use the media as a kind of Sexual Superpeer that encourages them to be sexually active"

First off - I've always wondered what the hell a Carolina "Tar Heel" was. Apparently, it's an animal with an uncanny mastery of the obvious. Second, where can I get myself one of those Sexual Superpeers? Do you think I can buy one at Spencer's Gifts? Because I think one of those could really come in handy.

Daylight Saving Time

Thanks to Daylight Saving Time, we all lost an hour this past weekend - which sucked because it meant that I had one less hour to party like a rockstar. In my world, rockstars watch TV and eat Cheetos.

A quick history lesson: Daylight Saving Time was first instituted in the U.S. during World War I in order to save energy for war production, and once again during WWII. In 1966, the Federal Uniform Time Act made Daylight Saving Time permanent. Since then, daylight saving has been adjusted in response to various energy crises - it was extended in 1974 and 1975 in response to the 1973 OPEC oil embargo - and beginning March 11, 2007, it will be extended five weeks as part of the Energy Policy Act of 2005 - because as President Bush stated in his State of the Union address - we're addicted to oil.

Now I don't claim to be a problem solving expert - but I'm going out on a limb to declare that changing the time is a pretty damn lazy way of solving problems. But, I have to give the government credit for having brass balls because they're not afraid to deal with problems by bending the rules - even if the rule happens to be a fundamental law that governs the universe - you know, the one states that you CAN'T CHANGE TIME.

Okay, so we're addicted to oil and we need to save more energy. Well I'm addicted to alcohol and sometimes I can't make it to work on time. Maybe I should initiate Binge-Drinking Saving Time - which mandates that work starts 4 hours later if I was trashed the previous night. Or how about Male-Endurance Saving Time - which states that 5 minutes of sex is equivalent to 1 hour. So to all you ladies out there - no more complaining.

Lance Armstrong = Lazy

Just kidding.

Happy April Fools Day.