Useless Research Studies

In a study that will be published in the April issue of "Pediatrics", researchers found that sexually charged music, magazines, TV and movies push youngsters into intercourse at an earlier age.

HOLY CRAP. The next thing these researchers are going to tell me is that Lindsay Lohan is a negative influence on teenagers. Or that cocaine use is bad. Or that watching porno might arouse me. Please researchers - stop blowing my mind.

Jane Brown of the University of North Carolina and chief author of the report said:

"This is the first time we've shown that the more kids are exposed to sex in media the earlier they have sex ... (Youngsters) may use the media as a kind of Sexual Superpeer that encourages them to be sexually active"

First off - I've always wondered what the hell a Carolina "Tar Heel" was. Apparently, it's an animal with an uncanny mastery of the obvious. Second, where can I get myself one of those Sexual Superpeers? Do you think I can buy one at Spencer's Gifts? Because I think one of those could really come in handy.