Paris Hilton's New Album

Here's further proof that America might be losing respect around the world: Paris Hilton is releasing an album later this year. According to Paris, the album will be a mix of reggae, pop, and hip-hop - marking the first time that Bobby Marley and Tupac will roll in their graves simultaneously.

Her first single will be a reggae song called "Stars Are Blind." Even without hearing it, you know it just sounds horrible already. And in yet another demonstration of her class and subtlety, the album will also include a remake of the song "Da Ya Think I'm Sexy?". My answer was NO when Rod Stewart sang it and I don't plan on changing my mind. Unless I suddenly develop an attraction to talentless whores.

Reflecting on her foray into music, Paris said:

"I have always had a voice and always known I could sing, but I was too shy to let it come out. I think that is the hardest thing you can do, to sing in front of people. When I finally let go and did it, I realized it is what I am most talented at and what I love to do the most."

I'm not exactly sure how Paris defines "talented", but I'm guessing it means the same as "majorly suck" for us normal people.

Masturbate-A-Thon

May is a busy month for holidays - Cinco De Mayo, Memorial Day, and Mother's Day. But here's a celebration your mother would really be proud of - May is also National Masturbation Month. I'm not sure why they had to put aside a single month - after all, it's pretty much a year-round thing for me anyway. But I do appreciate the thought. It helps me deal with the shame.

The flagship event of National Jerk-Off Month is the Masturbate-A-Thon, which took place at various cities across the country this past weekend. Participants were sponsored for each minute of masturbation, raising money for the Center for Sex and Culture, a nonprofit group. Yeah I know, a minute is pretty long. But what I lack in endurance, I can make up in volume.

This has got to be one of the awesomest ideas ever. Usually charity involves sacrifice - something that takes effort - not something you're happily doing once a day anyway (or three times a day if your roommate is out of town). Why not apply this fund raising technique to other causes? The world would be a much stickier, but better place. Imagine - masturbation to help find a cure for blindness rather than cause it. I'm totally winning that Nobel Peace Prize.

Jackie Guerrido

Okay, I know I've already written about Jackie Guerrido before - the Univision weather lady. But when the weather report is this interesting, you really can't get enough. In fact, the only thing that would make this even more interesting is a colder studio.

Is that a cross she's wearing or a target? I'm not a religious person, but praise the lord.

Japanese Ping Pong

There's a common misconception that all Asians are good at Ping Pong. But that's just not true. The Chinese are the best. Followed by the Koreans. Then, for some reason, the Swedish. The Japanese are last. But despite their ping pong skill inferiority - leave it to the crazy Japanese to come up with something that looks so ridiculous, it's actually awesome.

Hybrid Drivers

When you see someone driving one of those new hybrid cars - isn't hard to imagine them being an asshole? Somehow, just being the owner of an environmentally friendly vehicle gives the driver instant credibility. After all, how could someone who's a guardian of mother-earth possibly be bad?

Trust me, it's possible. My buddy got cut off by a Prius the other day - but ultimately felt compelled to forgive the driver because of the hybrid car credibility factor. Which is totally crap. Because while it's be proven that 100% of Hummer drivers are indeed douchebags, it hasn't been proven that 100% of hybrid drivers aren't. And even if it's just 1%, that's still 1 out of 100 hybrid drivers that deserves a honk. Or a drive-by middle finger. Or getting followed home and having their house burned down.

So to all you Prius owners out there - don't think that just because you drive a hybrid car, you can get away with driving like an Asian woman. Unless you actually are an Asian woman. Because we've already learned to get out of your way.

The Two Best People in the World

Imagine being the smartest person in this room. That dog probably feels like Stephen Hawking right now.

10.5 Apocalypse

This week NBC is airing a new 2-part mini-series called "10.5 Apocalypse". It's the sequel to the equally ridiculous mini-series that aired two years ago called "10.5".

In the original "10.5", a massive earthquake causes the entire west coast to split from the North American continent. If you missed it, be thankful that you have an extra 4 hours in your life to do something more productive like picking your nose. But that didn't stop the writers from tapping into their collective creativity once again to come up with something even more awesome - a massive earthquake that splits the entire North American continent in half. They even added the word "Apocalypse" to the title - because that totally isn't cheesy. And like every earthquake movie ever made, you know the cameraman is just shaking the camera.

NBC has had a pretty tough run - dropping all the way from the number one network to last place in a matter of a few years. Sure, the network has been a victim of poor timing since several of their famous sitcoms have gone off the air at once. But I'm pretty sure putting crap on the air doesn't help much either.

I hear the writers are already busy at work on yet another sequel that continues to push the creative envelope. This time around, a massive earthquake splits the entire earth in two. The working title is "10.5 Apocalypse. Seriously."

The Liberal Media

Everyone knows that CNN is staffed by a bunch of pinko-commies - but as you can see in this video, they're getting a little lazy about it. Rather than skillfully editorializing their reportage with an underlying liberal bias, they're now just showing the President as he is - which is often just as effective.

In this apparent "mistake", CNN cuts early to President Bush right before his national televised speech on Monday night. Because if he comes across as a retard in his speeches, imagine what his rehearsals must sound like. Very sneaky Wolf Blitzer.

Women's Deodorant

Why is women's deodorant a separate product? I don't know what exactly is in deodorant - but I'm pretty sure it's all the same active ingredient with some arbitrary fragrance. Those sneaky marketers at Proctor and Gamble have magically created an entirely new product segment by just adding a different scent and putting it in a baby blue case.

Why can't women use men's deodorant? Based on my vast experience, women smell super-awesome anyway - kind of like flowers and baby powder - so they really don't need anything special to smell good. Maybe my opinion is skewed because most of my vast experience took place inside of Spearmint Rhino - but still - if it's strong enough for a man, it's certainly strong enough for a woman. Unless you're Star Jones. Because then you'd require something much, much stronger. Probably some combination of elephant tranquilizer and Mr. Clean.

Jeff Probst

Check out Jeff Probst and his girlfriend Julia Berry from this past weekend's Survivor finale and reunion show. What a bastard. She was a contestant on the show a few years back and as the show's host, he was in a position of power. He's 44 and she's 25. I live in LA, so I should be used to this - but still - what a bastard. Plus, his last name has too few vowels. P-r-o-b-s-t. How the hell are Asian's supposed to pronounce that?

Booth Babes

I checked out the Electronic Entertainment Expo (E3) this past Friday. For those who don't' know what E3 is - it's the video game industry's annual trade show - and besides being the ultimate destination to get a sneak peak at the latest video games and consoles, it's also a great place to get a very gratuitous peak at the laziest marketing invention ever - the Booth Babe.

Who do these video game companies think they are? Year after year, these companies think that they can simply just use scantily clad women to draw attention to their booths.

And they're ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. Because if you're a 40-year old video game testing virgin, getting handed free schwag by a hot chick is the equivalent of actually having sex.

In a feeble attempt to fight the inevitable, the organizers of E3 tried to enforce decency rules this year by banning nudity, partial nudity and bikini bottoms - but obviously failed to realize that if geeks can program a Massive-Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game - they can certainly find a way to circumvent arbitrary rules and still get their perv on. As you can see in this photo, there are plenty of ways to be slutty without actually wearing a bikini. Like wearing hot pants. Or wearing a tight tank top. Or handing out inflatable phallic symbols.

Toilet Humor

Nothing gets a cheap laugh like dirty toilet humor. Especially when it involves the Reverse Cowgirl position. Yes, I know I've talked about the Reverse Cowgirl position before - but it's only because I think it's a particularly good position. Although a little physically tiring for the woman, the position offers the following advantages:

1) Deep penetration.
2) The woman can control the depth, intensity and angle of penetration.
3) The woman can enjoy the dominant feeling of being in control.
4) Allows the man to caress the front of the woman from a more natural angle.
5) It's a great position for porno, because it gives the cameraman a full frontal view of the woman while hiding most of the dude - because you really don't want to see him anyway.

Of course, none of what I just wrote has much to do with the video. But I hope you learned something.

Deal or No Deal

Lame or not Lame. I'm going with lame. NBC's prime-time game show is unfortunately doing very well in the ratings. It's a pretty retarded game where the only skill required by the contestant is the ability to pick numbers from 1 to 26. And because it's retarded, the American public is loving it -- sort of the same reason why the Macarena was popular.

And to add the show's retarded mainstream appeal, Howie Mandel is the host - who has somehow found a way to resurrect a career that shouldn't have started in the first place. According to NBC's official bio:

Howie Mandel's versatile career has encompassed virtually all aspects of the entertainment spectrum, ranging from television, film and stage.

"Versatile". I guess that's a nice way of saying this guy sucks-ass so much he'll pretty much do anything.

I'll admit - I've been drawn into watching the show a few times. Mainly because the 26 models that hold the numbered briefcases are pretty damn hot - and the show's only redeeming quality (Sara, Lindsay S., and Jenelle are my favorites). If I ran the show, I'd scrap the lame briefcases and just call it "Fake or Not Fake." The answer wouldn't really matter to me.

Britney Spears' Fertility

Proving that the fertility gods have a sick sense of humor, Britney Spears is pregnant once again. After months of speculation, the pop star confirmed to David Letterman Tuesday that she is expecting her second child with her aspiring rapper husband, Kevin Federline.

While fully qualified couples all across America struggle to have children, these two idiots are on their way to procreating enough douchebags and douchebaggettes to support the entire trucker hat industry for the next 20 years.

Of course, abortion isn't an option since Britney's natural habitat is within the Red States - but Federline on the other hand needs to be sterilized immediately. I'm not kidding. It needs to be a law. This may be Britney's second child, but it's already K-Fed's FOURTH. Forget the trade deficit, this guy has the potential to single-handedly ruin our next generation's competitiveness in the global economy. God help us all.

Latino Ladies in Dresses

Check out Roselyn Sanchez and Eva Longoria performing at the 2006 NCLR ALMA Awards. The National Council of La Raza (NCLR) gives out the ALMA awards to honor outstanding Latino artistic achievement in television, film and music.

Yeah, I've never heard of the ALMA awards either. But I'm now a fan. Because even though Roselyn Sanchez and Eva Longoria didn't actually win any awards, they still got to dance around on stage in very short dresses - just because they're outstanding Latinos in general. Maybe not specifically in artistic achievement - but certainly in erectile achievement.

What is it about Latino women and short dresses that makes them so tasty? The simple combination results in automatic spiciness. Paris Hilton wears these short dresses all the time - but I'm guessing she probably tastes more like latex and rash ointment.

Don't forget, the NCLR ALMA awards air Monday June 5, 9:30/8:30 Central on ABC. I'll be on my couch watching. And if there are other people around, I probably won't be able to stand up.

How to Spot a Rich Guy

Okay, maybe he isn't rich. We really shouldn't jump to conclusions. After all, they seem like a very happy couple.

Who knows? Maybe he's a great cook and she's a foodie. Or maybe she's a fan of sumo wrestling. Or maybe he's just got a great personality -- That he bought for a million dollars.

Damnit. Why did I have to be so stingy? I knew I shouldn't have bought my personality at Costco. It's great for a family - but for a single guy like me, it just isn't practical.

Cinco de Mayo

Happy Cinco de Mayo! Yet another excuse for Americans to get drunk and celebrate a holiday that has nothing to do at all with their country.

In fact, many people don't know what they're actually celebrating on Cinco de Mayo - but from what I've heard, it's easy to find meaning in a bottle of Cuervo. Contrary to popular belief, it has absolutely NOTHING to do with Mexican Independence. So you're not as smart as you think.

The holiday actually celebrates Mexico's victory over the French army in 1862, when the French were attempting to occupy Mexico City in response to Mexico's refusal to pay its debt. Kind of a strange thing to celebrate don't you think? Last October 8th, I defaulted on my mortgage and shot the guy from DiTech.com who was trying to reclaim my house. You don't see me celebrating Ocho de Octubre.

And why do they call it "Cinco de Mayo"? Maybe I'm just a super-creative person (that's what my 2nd grade teacher told me), but I think I could come up with a name other than the actual day of the year. Everyone likes to make fun of the French - so why not call it: Spanko de Frencho? Or Bastardos de Frencho? Or better yet: The French Really Suck at Fighting Day.

Alex Rodriguez Humping

Check this out. Alex Rodriquez is humping his bat. During a game. And it looks like he's really into it (note the biting of the lip). He looks so nonchalant about it - like he doesn't give a shit what he looks like. I guess you can do that if you make over $25 million a year.

I'm going to call him "A. ROD" from now on. Get it? What? That's already taken? Whatever man.

Carl's Jr. Food Engineers

Carl's Jr. is a fast food chain here on the West Coast (for those on the East Coast, it's the same as Hardee's). And besides being a restaurant, it's also a good place to go if you're trying to kill yourself.

The latest culinary heart-attack being touted by Carl's Jr. is the Steak and Egg Burrito - joining other items in their breakfast menu such as the Loaded Breakfast Burrito (because damnit - sometimes steak and eggs just aren't enough), and the super-awesome Breakfast Burger (pictured) - consisting of a charbroiled all-beef patty, fried egg, crisp bacon, hash browns (yes, hash browns), cheese, and ketchup - all on a sesame seed bun. Just writing that makes me feel like vomiting. And I haven't even gotten to the lunch menu.

Which leads me to ask - what the hell do Carl's Jr. food engineers do? I bet their jobs are pretty damn easy. While other fast food chains like McDonald's research new ways to make their menu healthier in response to public demand - these guys just write down the worst possible foods they can think of, tape them to a door, and throw darts blindfolded. Then they multiply everything by two.

I don't know who Carl Jr. is - but I'm shocked that Carl Senior lived long enough to have a child.

David Spade

News Alert! There's a new scandalous love triangle in Hollywood. Last week, Denise Richards was photographed in the arms of Richie Sambora, the estranged husband of her friend and neighbor, Heather Locklear. Denise and Heather's friendship goes way back - but apparently not far back enough to stop Denise from shacking up with her best friend's ex-husband less than 3 months after they filed for divorce.

How sad. It's a shame to see people who used to care about each other go through something so divisive. No one ever comes out a winner in these messy situations. Expect for freaking David Spade.

Amidst all this drama - David Spade has miraculously found himself dating Heather Locklear. I know - I didn't believe it either. But I swear its true. Despite looking like, well, David Spade, I'm sure he's hooked up with many hot chicks in L.A. because after all, he was semi-famous in 1994. But Heather is different - she's rich and famous herself - and actually has a reputation to uphold. Most chicks in L.A. couldn't even spell reputation.

My guess: he either has a really big penis or he's made a deal with the devil. He might be lovin life now - but man, he's going to hate hanging with Hitler.

Immigrant Boycott

Happy Un Dia Sin Inmigrantes! (A Day Without Immigrants) If you haven't already heard, today is the day that immigrants all across this country will boycott work, school and shopping - all in an effort to show how much they matter to their communities.

Now I don't want to take sides on the immigrant issue - but I will admit that I think it's a genius idea because they're basically making a statement by playing hooky. If you think about it, the dude who invented the boycott must have been pretty friggin lazy. While other people were writing letters, protesting in the streets, or fighting wars against social injustice - this guy actually had the balls to just sit at home and watch TV - and gave it a fancy name like "boycott" to make "not doing something" actually sound important. Absolutely brilliant.

Of course, boycotts can also totally backfire. The last time I skipped work to show how important I was only proved to my boss that I wasn't important at all. I also once tried to boycott watching porn. It was the toughest 10 minutes of my life.