Carl's Jr. Food Engineers

Carl's Jr. is a fast food chain here on the West Coast (for those on the East Coast, it's the same as Hardee's). And besides being a restaurant, it's also a good place to go if you're trying to kill yourself.

The latest culinary heart-attack being touted by Carl's Jr. is the Steak and Egg Burrito - joining other items in their breakfast menu such as the Loaded Breakfast Burrito (because damnit - sometimes steak and eggs just aren't enough), and the super-awesome Breakfast Burger (pictured) - consisting of a charbroiled all-beef patty, fried egg, crisp bacon, hash browns (yes, hash browns), cheese, and ketchup - all on a sesame seed bun. Just writing that makes me feel like vomiting. And I haven't even gotten to the lunch menu.

Which leads me to ask - what the hell do Carl's Jr. food engineers do? I bet their jobs are pretty damn easy. While other fast food chains like McDonald's research new ways to make their menu healthier in response to public demand - these guys just write down the worst possible foods they can think of, tape them to a door, and throw darts blindfolded. Then they multiply everything by two.

I don't know who Carl Jr. is - but I'm shocked that Carl Senior lived long enough to have a child.