Scroll Lock

What the hell does the Scroll Lock key do? And how has it made it onto keyboards all around the world? From what I can tell, the only thing it does is turn that green light in the corner on and off.

I did a little research and learned that virtually no programs use this key anymore - probably because most programs don't run in freaking DOS anymore. It's a holdout from the past that has lost it's relevance in today's world. But for some reason, still gets forced upon us. Kinda like David Hasselhoff.

I vote that this key be removed to save the valuable 1 square-centimeter real estate it occupies. But then again, who knows? Maybe I'll suddenly have to urge to draw a triangle on a sheet of paper using the LOGO Turtle.

Foreign Car Commercials

Here's an ad for the Nissan Pathfinder that attempts to highlight one of the car's key features. Amazingly enough, it shows neither the actual car nor the feature - yet somehow still manages to capture my attention. Absolutely brilliant.

Hopefully in future commercials, they'll highlight other key features such as independent rear-suspension -- or the glove compartment.

Poor Pluto

Yesterday, The International Astronomical Union declared that Pluto isn't really a planet. That's just crazy. It's been a planet for the past 76 years - how can some myseterious organization suddenly just make a declaration that it's not. We need to put this power to better use and make some better declarations

1. Uranus isn't off limits
2. Sara Jessica Parker isn't attractive
   
3. Miller Lite is less filling
   
4. Paris Hilton isn't talented
   
5. Tom Cruise is gay
6. Football is America's sport
   
7. Brunettes
8. That stripper really does like me

Tea Partay

The only thing funnier than white guys rapping is -- well, nothing. I don't even care that this is actually a sneaky form of viral advertising - it's still freakin hilarious.

Pole-A-Palooza

Pole-A-Palooza, a competition for pole dancers took place in Las Vegas this week at the classy Bellagio Resort. Based on what my friends have told me, strip clubs actually feature poles, upon which dancers sometimes climb up and perform gravity defying acrobatics, showcasing their athleticism - and grooming habits. Sounds like a horrible, horrible place.

Some people find it impressive that these girls fearlessly climb up on a pole and hang upside down several feet above the stage. But it's really not that hard - especially if you can count on two large inflatable cushions to break your fall.

Hmm - since it's really not that dangerous, maybe i'll check out one of these places someday.

Gigantor the Little Leaguer

The Little League World Series is being played this week in Williamsport PA, and there's a kid playing that's ridiculously large. Aaron Durley, a 13-year-old first baseman, stands 6-foot-8 and weighs 256 pounds. That's on pace for Shaq-like monstrosity. Unless Little League rules have recently changed to include elements of Ultimate Fighting - that's just not fair.

Plus, he plays for the Saudi Arabian team - so not only does he have an unfair advantage in America's pastime, but he also controls our oil supply.

Jessica Biel's Nutcracker

Here's Jessica Biel arriving for the premiere of her new movie "The Illusionist". What an appropriate title. That butt has got to be some optical illusion because it's just so perfect. I keep staring blankly at it - slowly getting drawn into its wonderous glory - like the Millenium Falcon getting pulled in by the Death Star's tractor beam.

Okay - I'm snapping myself out of it. Back to my original topic -- it must be nice to be Jessica Biel's nutcracker. Because you could just chill out in her kitchen drawer and never be used. Since her ass can do most of the work.

Paris Hilton's New Album

Paris Hilton's debut album is set to be released next week. Obviously, it's titled "Paris". I'm not sure exactly which part of the music store it'll be in - since there's usually not a section called Crap, but I'm sure it'll somehow make it to the Top Albums rack, next to NOW! That's Music Vol. 22 and that sappy-ass James Blunt CD.

Check out this picture of Paris' parents at the album launch party. The last time I saw smiles that fake was in a Polident commercial. I bet they thought this day would never come - the day when their daughter would grow up and finally do something with her life. And by something I mean making her parents hold up a gigantic picture of their daughter spreading her legs.

Boy George: Garbage Man

This week Boy George reported for garbage duty in New York City as part of his court ordered community service. Back in March, he plead guilty to falsely reporting a burglary at his Manhattan apartment. And adding to the idiocy of the entire situation, they found cocaine instead.

Wow, it looks like Boy George really let himself go. Without the wig, makeup and clothes - and adding another 30 pounds, he actually fits right into the sanitation industry.

Man - I bet it really sucks big-time for him right now. Must be some bad Karma.

Michelle Wie

I always wondered how Michelle Wie can be so good at golf at so young an age. I finally figured it out. It's the man-hands.

Crocs

In case you haven't heard, Crocs are the latest footwear trend this year. And even if you don't know what they are, you've probably already seen people wear them around - and thought to yourself how horrendously ugly they were.

Craps - I mean Crocs - are basically clogs made out of some proprietary resin which molds to the wearer's foot making them super comfortable. Sure, I'd wear them if I was in physical rehab - but otherwise, I generally try to avoid wearing anything that looks like a giant eraser.

Trucker hats, Ugg boots, and now Crocs - further proof that the entire fashion industry is actually comprised of a secret counsel of 5 people in an underground lair who arbitrarily decide what's cool - and then laugh at how ridiculous everyone looks on the surface.

Time Again for Jackie Guerrido

Okay, it's been a month since I last wrote about our favorite weather lady - so it's definitely time for another Jackie Guerrido fix.

In this clip, we see her sitting down with her fellow morning show hosts before doing her always entertainming weather reports. Notice how both male anchors are sitting with their legs crossed to hide their erections.

Japanese Game Show

This is some Japanese game show. I have no idea what the point of the game is, but it involves tying up some obedient girl. Apparently, Japanese porn and Japanese game shows share similar themes.

I don't speak any Japanese, but I bet the word for "camel toe" comes up at least once.

Paris Hilton's Celibacy

Just in case you haven't heard the big news this weekend - no, not the continuing crisis in the Middle East - but Paris Hilton declaring to British GQ that she's sworn herself to celibacy for a year.

Finally - a guaranteed way for me to win some money. Because whatever the Vegas over/under odds are for the number of days she'll keep her promise - I'm betting the under - in minutes.

I actually feel sorry for Paris. Because I bet she doesn't even know what the word "celibate" means. She probably thinks it means super-whoring.

In the same interview, she also claims to have slept with only two men in her lifetime. Wow - she's pretty bad a math too.

Breast Feeding

Check out this month's cover of Balk Talk magazine. Yeah, I've never heard of the magazine either - but apparently, the cover is causing quite a frenzy. I personally don't think it's that big of a deal. Just look at how happy that baby is - you can see the joy in his eyes. And how can you possibly be against happy babies?

Little does he know - it'll be the last time he ever gets to suck on a nipple that easily.

Mel Gibson and Saddam

I had an epiphany after seeing a picture of Mel Gibson on the news this week. I scoured the internet and found these pictures. Crazy huh? And apparently, they both hate jews.

Bush Almost Bites It

Believe or not, I'm actually too lazy to think of anything remotely entertaining to write about today - so instead, here's a combination photo showing President Bush stumbling while walking off Air Force One. It speaks for itself. Enjoy.

Kate Moss in Vanity Fair

Check out Kate Moss on the cover of the September issue of Vanity Fair. She even tops the magazine's "International Best-Dressed List" for 2006.

Let this be a lesson for everyone. If you get caught snorting cocaine - you too might end up on the cover of Vanity Fair and be designated a great dresser.

"Just Say No." Somehow it just doesn't quite have the same ring anymore.