Halle Berry's Future Child

Wow Wa Wee Wha!!! Check out Halle Berry's jugs! Everyone knows that Halle Berry is one of the most beautiful women in the world - but I never knew she was Hooters worthy. I admit, I sat through that shitty movie Swordfish just to catch a glimpse of her breasts - and although they were great, they definitely didn't make me want to bury my head in them.

Pregnancy is obviously treating her pretty well - and that damn kid is going to be one lucky mofo. I really never understood the whole pregnant woman fetish - and I'm still not into that. But let's just say that I kinda understand now.

Mysterious Religious Images

We've all heard of stories about people seeing images of Jesus or The Virgin Mary in things as random as a grilled cheese sandwich, or a water stain on a wall. Here's yet another example - this one involves the silhouette of the late Pope John Paul II in a picture of fire.

Dude, it's fire. Fire can look like a lot of things. Because it keeps moving. That's what fire does. Okay - so the guy says he took the picture at the exact same time the Pope died. But think about it - if he took the picture at just a slightly different angle, the fire could have looked like something totally different - like a porn star getting violated from both ends. After all, It's all about what you want to see. And I want to see a porn star.

Can't see the pornstar in the fire? Okay, how about the Heisman trophy?

Or John Travolta from Saturday Night Fever?

Italian Weathergirls

Her name is Gabriela Grechi and apparently, the only job requirement for a weathergirl in Italy is the ability to read from a clipboard. And induce erections.

Miss International

Check out Miss Mexico, Priscila Perales from the 47th Miss International beauty pageant. For a couple of obvious reasons, she was crowned the winner. I know people complain about illegal immigrants from Mexico - but if they all looked like this, I would totally let her do my housework without official papers. Or clothing.

What the hell is "Miss International" anyway? I'm familiar with Miss America and Miss Universe. I've even learned to accept Miss World to a certain extent. But Miss International??? Sounds like a lame ass knock-off if you ask me. It seems like anyone can make up a new pageant as long as it sounds cool and spans multiple countries. In fact, I'm going to make up my own: Miss Trans-Continental, or Miss Trans-Oceanic, or Miss Pan-Continental, or Miss Pan-Oceanic. You get my drift. You better watch out Donald Trump.

Rubik's Cube Championship

This week, Yu Nakajima won the Rubik's Cube World Championships in Budapest. In case you can't tell, he's Japanese.

Stop the presses! An Asian boy actually won a competition that celebrates high-end problem solving and spatial recognition AND requires absolutely no social skills? The next thing you're going to tell me is that a Chinese boy won the FORTRAN Programming Championships, or a Korean boy was inaugurated into the World Mathlete Hall of Fame.

Don't bother me with this useless news. I was a three-time champion Mathlete myself - and I'm the dumb one in the family. Wake me up when an Asian boy who wins these competitions actually has a decent haircut.

Okay - to be fair, the guy who came in second place was an American - named Andrew Kang.

Mary Gamarra

Happy October! To celebrate the month of Halloween, here's a video of the always pleasant Telemundo weather girl, Mary Gamarra. What does she have to do with Halloween? Not much really - other than she's wearing a black dress. It could be part of a sexy witches costume. See - I knew I would come up with something. I'm pretty darn clever. By the way, I'm also the genius who decided to make the entire floor of the Telemundo weather studio out of a gigantic mirror.

Oreo Dessert Pizza

Just what we needed, yet another reason for terrorists to hate America. If you haven't already seen this commercial on TV, prepare to be disgusted - or aroused if you're Rosie O'Donnell. The geniuses at Domino's Pizza have pushed the limits of inside-the-box thinking by creating a dessert pizza made with Oreo cookies. That's right - a freaking dessert pizza. Because if the load of cheese and processed meat on a normal pizza doesn't kill you, a dessert pizza with cookies should finish the job. The best part - some food scientist actually got paid to invent this. Man, I really wish I was in the boardroom when this idea was presented to management. I'm sure they felt pretty retarded after realizing they were sitting on top of this awesome idea all along.

According to Domino's Pizza:

The Oreo Dessert Pizza features a thin crust layered with vanilla sauce and covered with Oreo cookie crumbles, with icing drizzled on top. The product is the first nationally available dessert pizza in Domino's 47-year history.

You know - there's probably a very good reason why a dessert pizza hasn't been available in 47 years. Probably the same reason why we don't have Nutter Butter tacos.

K-Fed: The Responsible One

Wow, this one is a lay-up. But it's Monday, so what do you expect. Today, Britney Spears was ordered to relinquish custody of her children by a judge who had cited her drug-and-alcohol-fueled lifestyle. The judge also ruled that ex-husband Kevin Federline will take custody of the two children beginning Wednesday.

That's correct, Keven Federline, ex-backup dancer, trucker-hat wearer, and performer of PopoZao, is actually the responsible parent. Maybe I'm reaching an age where I just can't relate anymore to popular culture, but when I was growing up, Mr. Keaton and Dr. Huxtable were responsible fathers.

I wonder what K-Fed will actually do with the kids when he gets custody on Wednesday. I'm guessing that he'll either take them to Chuck E Cheese or sell them on eBay. OR - maybe Angelina will come to the rescue and scoop them up. After all, these kids are going to be more fucked up than any Cambodian orphan.