Ariane Brodier

Holy Mother of God. I thought I had already found the hottest weather women in the world with Jackie Guerrido and Mary Gamarra. Now this one shows up and she's wearing an even shorter skirt. Her name is Ariane Brodier - and because she's French, I'm hoping that she'll easily surrender to my advances.

Sanjaya Malakar

At first I hated this American Idol contestant. He reminded me of a darker, more human looking Michael Jackson, and his hair really pissed me off.

But as the weeks have gone by, and as he's somehow managed to stay on the show, I'm actually beginning to respect the dude. Why? Because he's fully embracing his lack of talent and milking America for every last minute of fame. Just look at what he did with his hair this week. It was completely retarded - but actually admirable because it proves that he no longer gives a shit about actually singing. He knows that he's already locked in the 10-13 year old girl vote without having to do anything that requires talent. Hell, I even voted for him. The American public deserves this guy.

Game Show Idiots

WOW. It's pretty amazing to know that there are people in the world this stupid. I have many questions - like: How have they survived through life up until this point? Is English actually their first language? And how can there be TWO of them?

Tom Brady's Sperm

Two weeks ago, Tom Brady's ex-girlfriend actress Bridget Moynahan, revealed that she's pregnant with his child. And this past week, rumors were that Brady's current girlfriend, model Gisele Bundchen, is also pregnant with his child. Latest reports indicate that the rumor might not be true - but for my sake, let's just assume that it is. Because if 3-time Superbowl champion/cocksmith Tom Brady wanted to get Gisele pregnant, she would be.

Normally, I would consider any guy who impregnates two different women at the same time a giant asshole. But this is Tom Brady we're talking about. And I admit it - I have man-love for Tom Brady. He could just smile at a woman and get her pregnant. In fact, I bet Tom Brady's sperm is just as good-looking as he is - and even the most elusive eggs - such as those belonging to hot older-woman actresses or Victoria's Secret Supermodels - easily succumb to his sperm's charm.

I think Brady should capitalize on his virility and release his own line of cologne. After all, every famous person is doing it. But Brady's fragrance would be special since it would be guaranteed to de-thong any attractive woman. Plus, for some reason, it would smell like bleach.

Mega Millions Lottery Winner

In case you haven't heard yet, yesterday's Mega Millions jackpot was a record $390 million. Two people won, including a 52 year-old Georgia truck driver Ed Nabors. Some other person in New Jersey won, but has yet to come forward. Probably because that person has been beaten to death for the ticket. Since he's in New Jersey.

I'm happy for the truck driver. And by happy, I mean insanely jealous. But it's a shame that he had to wait until 52 though to really enjoy the winnings. Even though he now can pick up high-class hookers from places other than truck rest stops, he'll also have to pick up some Viagra. Which kinda ruins the whole mood.