Happy Spring! Happy Mary Gammara

We're well into spring now - and what better way to celebrate than with a nice and sunny weather forecast featuring Mary Gammara. In fact, every day is sunny with Mary. She could be describing the weather in Buffalo and I'd still have a smile on my face.

In recent days, I've noticed a sharp increase in traffic originating from searches for Mary Gammara. Has she suddenly become mainstream? Does she have a home sex-video? I'm not sure what's going on - but it's proof that my readers are all pervs. It has nothing to do with me.

Ashley Dupre Gone Wild

Joe Francis, the creator of Girls Gone Wild is generally regarded as a douchebag. But admit, I really do admire his luck this week. After offering $1 million for Ashley Dupre (Eliot Spitzer's high-priced hooker), he quickly rescinded the offer after realizing he already had video footage of her during Spring Break 2003. Further proof that appearing on Girls Gone Wild when you're 18 is a good indicator of what you'll be doing in your 20's.

What an amazing feeling that must be - kinda like stumbling upon a dollar in your pocket just when you have an urge for a soda. A very dirty soda that wrecks families.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!! Being an Asian, this day really confuses me - specifically, how white people can drink so much on a weekday. But what's even more confusing is how St. Patrick's Day can be a big deal in Mobile, Alabama. Watch this news story and you'll find out!

Eliot Spitzer's Ho

Here she is - Ashley Alexandra Dupre. She's better known as Kristen - a world class escort with Emperor's Club VIP. She's 22, an aspiring singer, and even has a MySpace page. So she and I actually share something in common!! Of course, now she'll be more famous that I'll ever be. Unless I start sleeping with the Governor too. But somehow I don't think I'll get paid $4000 an hour for that.

In a phone interview this week, Ashley is quoted as saying:

"I just don't want to be thought of as a monster, This has been a very difficult time. It's complicated."

I don't think you're a monster Ashley. I actually think you're brilliant. I just listened to your song "What We Want" on MySpace and it's pretty bad. So I don't think you were going to get anywhere with your singing career. Luckily, you kept your night job.

Be sure to milk your 15 minutes as much as possible. Monica Lewinsky got famous for hooking up with the President. You only hooked up with a Governor - but you're actually very attractive. So when Playboy offers you a million dollars to take your clothes off, please, please accept it. I might not have the $4000 required to see you naked, but I do have the $5.95 it costs to buy a magazine.


Here are some more pictures of Ashley Alexandra Dupre in case her MySpace profile gets taken down one day (NOTE: Several pictures show her flashing the "Peace" sign, so I suspect that she might be part Asian).

UPDATE: Her Myspace page has been taken down - but her douchebag brother's page is still up. Why I am calling him a douchebag? Check out the page and it'll be obvious. Enjoy her family photos!

Clementines

I'm a sucker for Clementines. Whenever I see a display of them at the grocery store - I usually buy a bunch. They come in those fancy little crates and have cute names like, well... "Cuties". Plus, they count as fruit right?

See, that's the thing. Whenever I eat a clementine - I feel like I'm cheating. Because they're just so tasty and easy to peel! How can I possibly be getting any vitamin C out of this? Oranges are widely accepted as being good for you - but they completely suck to peel. Clementines, on the other hand, are easier to peel than Paris Hilton's panties. And I know Paris Hilton isn't good for you.

Maybe clementines are really just addictive drugs disguised as fruit - the result of some top-secret experiment by the Columbian goverment. Think about it - when's the last time you just had one clementine? It's virtually impossible - unless you've desperately scammed one off a co-worker and have no choice (yet another sign of its drug-like properties). Drugs are bad for you - but clementines aren't! It's like magic!

Plus for some reason - they're ALWAYS in season. Anytime I see a palette full of clementine boxes at the store, I say to myself: "hmm, they must be in season now." I've said this ten times in the past 12 months. Once again, magic.

Lunchtime Drinking

Some people in America complain that the Chinese government is backward, resulting in human rights violations across the country. But sometimes it just results in hilarity. Just last year, several cities in Henan province banned their government officials from drinking during their lunch breaks. Which means that just over a year ago - government officials still got plastered on lunchtime benders. Now, Chinese booze-makers are trying to overturn the ban because local restaurants are losing money due to fewer lunch customers. Which totally makes sense because a weak restaurant industry is far more important than having sober officials to make laws.

To summarize: sober government officials will now get to decide whether or not to overturn a law - that they made themselves while drunk - that prevented themselves from drinking during lunch. There something terribly inefficient going on here that's too complicated to analyze. It's almost as inefficient as building a 4000 mile long wall over a span of 1800 years to keep the bad guys out.