Miss Russia

Check out this year's Miss Russia, 20 year old Ksenia Sukhimova. She'll represent Russia in next year's Miss World contest. Like all young Russian women, she's pretty damn hot. But this one is extra special because her name is super awesome. Just read it.

Lucky Sperm

Jessica Alba announced today that she's pregnant - and simultaneously, set a new benchmark for MILF's everywhere.

Some guys out there are probably sad because this means that she's now officially "off-the-market". Me? I'm not sad at all. There's no way I'm going to let a little baby bump get in the way of my wet-dreams. After all, now that she's pregnant, we officially know that she's "gotten it". Not that we didn't know before - but now we KNOW. And somehow, that's comforting.

Her boyfriend, Cash Warren, can now lay claim to having the luckiest sperm in the world. Imagine the wonderful journey they must have had on their way to creating the miracle of life. Some people have actually told me that I look like an Asian version of Cash Warren. Which is nice to know. Except my sperm's journey usually ends in a pile of Kleenex.

Diet Soda Study

A recent study at Johns Hopkins University shows that people who drink diet soda still have a 41 percent chance of being overweight. The study also reveals that diet-soda drinkers have a greater risk for obesity than do those who drink regular sodas.

Researchers suspect this phenomenon may result from people thinking they're doing something "good" for their body when they drink diet soda - so they feel free to splurge on other high-calorie items. Other research suggests that diet sodas may actually stimulate the appetite.

Now I don't have my PhD yet, but I've got my own theory on why diet soda drinkers are fat - hold on...wait for it...because this is revolutionary:

FAT PEOPLE DRINK DIET SODA.

Am I missing something or are the Johns Hopkins researchers just retarded?

That's it - I'm coming up with my own research studies - and I won't even have to do the research. Let's see...I bet that people who listen to Michael Bolton have a 41% chance of having bad taste. Publish me, biatch.

Destroyer of Dreams

Anders Larsson of the engineering consultancy Sweco has decided to analyze the travel pattern of Santa Claus during Christmas. According to Larsson:

Between Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, Santa Claus's route around the planet includes stops at 2.5 billion homes, assuming that children of all religions receive a present from the jolly man in the red suit...We estimated that there are 48 people per square kilometer (120 per square mile) on Earth, and 20 metres (66 feet) between each home. So if Santa leaves from Kyrgyzstan and travels against the Earth's rotation he has 48 hours to deliver all the presents...He has 34 microseconds at each stop to slide down the chimney, drop off the presents, nibble on his cookies and milk and hop back on his sleigh.

Man, this Larsson guy really is an asshole. With his fancy math, he's basically just proved to kids around the world that Santa Claus doesn't exist. Because every kid knows that 34 microseconds is pretty unrealistic for Santa to do all that stuff - even with magical powers. And where the hell is Kyrgyzstan anyway? Sounds like it might be close to where Borat lives. I actually Googled it and it's nowhere near the North Pole.

Why did this dude Larsson have to do this? To show off? Well, I'm not impressed at all. I don't think that destroying the dreams of millions of kids around the world is something to brag about. What's next for him? Mathematically prove that the tooth-fairy doesn't exist? That's complete bullshit. Because my mom totally exists.

The Thai Police

The police commission in Thailand is considering allowing their officers to keep cool by wearing short-sleeve uniforms.

Jesus - someone tell the Thai police to slow down. Their innovative thinking is blowing my mind. The next thing you're going to tell me is that they're letting their officers ride bicycles to catch the bad guys. Since riding a bicycle is faster than running on foot. Wow, maybe in 10 years they'll even get cars. Of course by then, all the bad guys will have rocket backpacks, so they'll still be screwed.

Thailand is destined to remain a crime-ridden country - but I hope I can still get a good Pad-See-Ew. Because that shit is good.