Why my Kids aren't going to public school

By now you've surely heard about Miss South Carolina's performance during last week's Miss Teen USA competition. In case you haven't, be prepared to be disturbed with stupidity so extreme, you might actually shed a tear.

Isn't it ironic that a question dealing with the poor state of American education is answered in way that actually demonstrates the very problem the question was meant to address? Yeah - I'm pretty sure I just used the word "ironic" incorrectly - but next to this blond idiot, I look like a genius anyway.

The strange thing is that her stupidity, while sad, is actually kinda arousing.

Wes Littleton

I'm not much of a baseball fan - I think it's a ridiculously boring sport played by fat people - and it's something I don't ever think about unless I'm trying to save myself from embarrassment during a massage. But this week, history was made when the Texas Rangers beat the Baltimore Orioles by a score of 30-3 - which is a crapload of runs. To put this into perspective for people not familiar with baseball, that's like Paris Hilton giving 300 blowjobs in one night.

Besides the fact that this game featured the most number of runs scored in a baseball game since 1897 - it also featured one of the laziest sports achievements in history - Pitcher Wes Littleton actually earned a Save. For those of you not familiar with baseball, a Save is an important statistic for relief pitchers in baseball - kinda like how many venereal diseases Paris Hilton has.

So by pitching three innings and protecting an enormous 27-run lead - this dude actually earned something. That's like scoring with Paris Hilton using a date rape drug.

Yes, I've managed to connect Wes Littleton to Paris Hilton three times in this article. Because odds are, they've done it.

Miss Teen USA

Miss Teen USA 2007 takes place this Friday in Pasadena, CA. It really isn't a big deal - not too many people care about beauty pageants anymore. But if recent history tells us anything - the girls who enter beauty pageant are getting sluttier and sluttier - in other words, more accurately reflecting American youth today. So we SHOULD be interested.

I haven't yet carefully reviewed this year's contestants for Miss Teen USA, but I'll bet my left nut that they won't disappoint. Fifty girls under the age of twenty gathered together in one place - the odds are favorable that most of them will be pretty hot. White girls under the age of 20 ALL look pretty hot. Just ask any Japanese business man.

Okay, maybe I sound super perverted because these ARE teenagers we're talking about. But I'm sure that some of these girls are at least eighteen - which makes them barely legal - and completely awesome.

Then again, there are some contestants that are really, really young - Illegally young - like 15-year old Miss Louisiana, Logan Brook. I'll offer no further comment other than it would be pretty easy to be mislead because she looks waaaay older than 15.

Chinese Manufacturers

Another week, another set of Chinese product recalls -- I think it's pretty obvious that Chinese manufacturers are some of the laziest Asians in the world. This week, toy manufacturer Mattel recalled 18 million toys made in China due to loose magnets and lead paint. And Gilchrist & Soames recalled toothpaste made in China that contains diethylene glycol, a chemical used in automobile antifreeze.

Seriously Chinese manufacturers - are you just lazy or retarded? I'm hoping it's the former because I'm Chinese myself (which also means that anything else I write in this post cannot be considered racist). How hard can it be to make magnets that stick? Isn't that what magnets do anyway? You guys built the freaking Great Wall of China - and that's managed to stick together pretty well for over 2000 years.

And holy crap - how hard can it be to NOT put anti-freeze into toothpaste? Maybe I'm naive, but hasn't toothpaste been around for a while? It's a pretty mature product - and I'm fairly certain that toothpaste doesn't need to survive minus forty degree temperatures while keeping a car engine cool. It's got to be just pure laziness because I don't see the Chinese putting anti-freeze into pork dumplings.

Mary Gamarra: It's been a while

Sorry guys - I know it's been a while. Here's Mary Gamarra. Again. For those of you who are new to this blog, she's a super hot weather girl on Telemundo who's the only person in the world who can turn me on with words like "precipitation".

Even though we're smack in the middle of summer, I'm craving a candy cane for some odd reason.