Paris Hilton is Somehow Brilliant

If you're like me, and like to keep up with important current events, then you've probably heard that Paris Hilton is going to jail for driving on a suspended license. Even more newsworthy is that she's managed to convince a judge to cut her 45-day sentence in half to just 23 days - on grounds of good behavior.

I find this hard to believe, but I'm begrudgingly beginning to respect her. I have no idea how anyone can possibly consider anything Paris has done in her life good behavior, but she's somehow managed the impossible. It's like she's an illusionist or something. Kinda like David Blaine. With the same degree of douchebaggery.

Ms. Universe Judges

Check out three of this year's Ms. Universe contestants - Jessica Jordan Burton, Miss Bolivia 2007, left, Natalia Guimaraes, Miss Brazil 2007, center, and Jimena Elias, Miss Peru 2007.

Being a Ms. Universe judge must be one of the easiest jobs in the world. I bet they just throw darts at a map of South America to pick the winner. Because seriously, you really can't lose.

Michael Knight: DUI

I knew David Hasselhoff always enjoyed being Hooked on a Feeling - but who knew that feeling was being plastered beyond belief. Here's a video taken by the Hoff's daughter - yes daughter, urging her dad not to drink anymore. In response, he mumbles something completely incoherent.

What you don't see in the video is that he then goes outside, jumps into a black Trans-Am, and starts randomly talking to it. Then he starts pressing the hazard light button while yelling "turbo boost!".