Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween. Dress up if you'd like. But please, don't dress up your pets.

The Postal Police

I was driving the other day and saw a police car behind me. Of course, I instinctively slowed down. Then the police car passed me - It was the freaking Postal Police.

What do the Postal Police actually do? Do they get badges? Do they call themselves postal policemen? And why the fuck do they get to have sirens on their cars? Catching the perv who steals his neighbor's Victoria Secret catalogs usually doesn't require urgency.

I bet real policemen give postal policemen shit. Real policemen probably use their guns to tease postal policemen - and the only thing postal policemen can do is look down embarrassingly at their holster letter openers.

Celebrity Alcohol Rehab

Have you noticed that whenever celebrities get in trouble, they immediately go to alcohol rehab? Most recent examples: Pat O'’Brien, Mel Gibson, and Congressman Mark Foley.

Of course, alcoholism is a serious issue - I watched that episode of Family Ties with Tom Hanks as the drunk uncle, so I completely understand. But come on - I find it hard to believe that having a few too many drinks can actually cause anti-semitism, an attraction to young boys, or general assholeness (in Pat O'’Brien'’s case). And do you really think that 3 weeks of group therapy at some posh resort can actually cure anyone?

Alcoholism has become the scapegoat of choice for celebrities. "Addiction to painkillers" and "Childhood abuse" are not far behind.

White Karate Douches

There are some things that just piss me off to the highest degree. And white guys who think they're awesome shit because they dabble in martial arts is definitely one of those things. So it brings me great pleasure to present this video. I really don't need to add any commentary because it speaks for itself. Enjoy.

Borat

Here's the trailer for the new Borat movie. If you don't know who Borat is, find out immediately. He's the best thing to come out of Kazakhstan since, well - ever.

The movie's full title: Borat Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan. The title alone should make you want to see this. It's based off the proven concept that a foreign person in America is always funny. But a foreign person in America making fun of Americans without them knowing? That's just plain genius.

Generic Brazilian Models

Here are some Brazilian models at a recent Brazilian fashion show. None of them are famous. In fact, the photo caption from AP just refers to them as "A Brazilian model".

They're just models. From Brazil. And that's all anyone really needs to know.

Fried Coke

Yes, you heard right - Fried Coke. Apparently, gooey Coke-battered nuggets topped with cola syrup have been all the rage at State Fairs across the country. Of course, I don't even need to specify what country because only in America, do people celebrate foods that kill people. It even won the "most creative" award at the Texas State Fair in Dallas last month.

But is it really that creative? Frying anything is a generally accepted way of making anything taste good. Combining that with a sugar and caffine ladened soft drink is a complete no-brainer.

That's it - I'm totally starting my own line of fried foods - like fried sugar. Or fried crack. Or better yet, I'll just re-fry the stuff they fry things in. Now that's a creative idea.

Cup O Noodles

Cup 'O Noodles. What an amazing food product. In fact, it's really more of a scientific innovation than a food.

The inventor of Cup 'O Noodles must have been one lazy ass dude. Ramen is already pretty easy to make - but apparently not easy enough. Someone had to come up with a product that only involves pouring hot water and waiting for 3 minutes (2 minutes if you're adventurous). The result is a tasty treat with bits of vegetables, beef, chicken, sometimes even shrimp - and the best part: it's it's own serving container. That completely blows my mind.

So next time you're tired, drunk, or just plain lazy, and you find yourself slurping down a cup of Cup 'O Noodles, think about how incredible what you're eating really is. And enjoy the 5000% of daily recommended sodium.

YouTube Millionares - Video Message

Okay, I'm not letting this one go. Because I'm jealous. Insanely jealous. Check out this video of YouTube's founders Chad Hurley and Steve Chen. Man, just look at the smiles on their faces. They can't hide their emotion -- the emotion of knowing that they'll get as much ass as they want for the rest of their lives.

YouTube Millionaires

If you haven't heard the big news yet, the popular video sharing site YouTube, was just bought by Google for $1.6 billion. Sure, that sounds like a lot of money - and who knows, maybe the site is really worth that much. I'm not going to begin to question Google's intelligence. Rumor has it that they've been a pretty successful company.

Along with this mega-deal, comes some very lucky employees who are now instant millionaires (at least on paper). But no matter how smart or hard working someone is, I'm not sure anyone deserves to make this much money so quickly (the site just launched last year). But hey - that's probably just the bitterness talking.

What actually pisses me off is that handful of douchebags are now millionaires. I don't personally know anyone who works at YouTube, but it's a scientific fact that every company, no matter how strict their hiring policies are, has a natural Douche to Non-Douche Ratio. It's just a matter of how big or small that ratio is.

YouTube has 67 employees, so even if you assume a small Douche:Non-Douche ratio of 1:30 (the average is around 1:15), approximately 2 douchebags are now worth a lot of money. And that should piss everyone off.

Foreign Sprite Commercial

Further proof that the FCC is lame, check out this foreign commercial. It's for something as ordinary as Sprite, yet it still super awesome -and it's something you'll never see in America. If you look close enough, I swear you can see a landing strip.

By the way, as a general rule, if a ridiculously hot girl willingly takes off her bikini bottom for no apparent reason - she's probably messing with you.

Asians Doing Math

Some Japanese guy named Akira Haraguchi just set a world record by reciting from memory, the mathematical number Pi to 100,000 digits. Dude, is that really such a big deal? After all, the guy was Asian. We all rule at math. I was reciting Pi to at least 100 digits when I was 8. I haven'’t tried it since then, but I bet that if I stopped watching porn and refocused my mindpower, I could get pretty damn close to 100,000 digits.

By the way Mr. Haraguchi, thanks for perpetuating the positive stereotype that all Asian men are virile and sexy. Math tends to do that.

Happy Oktoberfest

It’s October (aka Oktober) - so Happy Oktoberfest. In celebration, here’s a nice photo. Nothing brings a smile to my face more easily than two beer maidens holding two big steins of beer. The four large jugs aren't bad either.

Stupid Guinness Records

Lee Redmond earned an entry in the latest edition of Guinness World Records with the world's longest fingernails at 24 feet 7 inches.

While some World Records are worthy of acknowledgment, this is not one of them. In fact, this is pretty damn disgusting. This freak is actually getting recognition for basically being too lazy to cut her own nails. How unhygenic and retarded do you have to be to actually consider doing this?

I just feel sorry for the sucker who has to wipe her ass.