The Third Bobsledder

In honor of the 2010 Winter Olympics (and mainly due to laziness), I'm re-posting something I posted from the last Winter Olympics. I've been told this was the pinnacle of The Lazy Asian. Before it started to suck.

The Olympic event I've been waiting for finally starts tomorrow - the exciting 4-Man Bobsled, or as the Eurotrash call it - Bobsleigh. Maybe this will be the event that finally boosts NBC's dismal TV ratings. And maybe Brian Boitano likes girls.

Of all the Winter Olympic events - this is the one that I actually have a shot at competing in. As long as I'm the Third Bobsledder. Because as the 3rd dude in the sled, you really don't have to do a thing. Seriously. The first guy drives the sled, the second guy backs up the first guy, and the last guy stops the sled at the end. The third guy - well, he just sits in the middle. Sure, he has to run along with everyone at the beginning - but with 2 guys in front, and 1 guy in back - he's pretty much covered. He's really more of a weight than an athlete. And if the team makes it to the podium, they ALL get a medal - even that 3rd guy in the middle who just came along for the ride.

The Third Bobsledder: a true champion of freeloading. If he wasn't in a bobsled, he'd be cheating the welfare system.

Jizz in my Pants

If you liked Dick in a Box, then prepared to be aroused again. In case you haven't seen this latest SNL video, please press play. Please. It'll be worth it.

I find myself humming the song non-stop while making funny faces.

Most Beautiful Bottom Contest

The "Most Beautiful Bottom in the World" contest was held in Paris this week. The female winner was Brazil's Melanie Nunes Fronckowiak (R) and the male winner was France's Saiba Bombote (L). In keeping with the general theme of my blog and my general distaste for the French, I was tempted to crop out the dude. But given the whole Prop 8 debacle here in California, I'm supporting equal ass-worship for all.

I find it hard to believe that this contest was based purely on their asses alone (as the contest's title might lead you to believe). As an objective heterosexual, both the guy and girl are pretty good looking (even though the dude has a creepy alien look going on). I've seen enough butterfaces in my life to know that there are more amazing asses in the world, but unfortunately they're attached to some ugly grills.

Personally, I think there should be a contest that truly finds the best ass in the world - taking the face completely out of the equation. Use a curtain, ski-mask, or paper bag - it doesn't matter - the judges never see the face. The winner would be crowned - and then, after an intense build up of suspense, you reveal the face...in front of a live TV audience!! Yes, I'm a genius. I'm waiting for the classy people at FOX to give me a call.

Olympic Women's Wrestling

Here's a screen capture from the women's 72kg division Olympic wrestling match between American Ali Bernard and China's Wang Jiao. The Olympics are supposed to open China up to the world - but it seems like this Chinese wrestler is doing the opening herself. I don't know much about women's wrestling beyond the baby oil variation - but something tells me this can't be legal. Shocking I tell you. Shocking.

Beijing 2008: Opening Ceremonies

Along with 3 billion other people around the world on Friday night, I watched the Beijing Olympics Opening Ceremony. And for the first time in Lazy Asian history, I am going to celebrate the exact opposite of Asian Laziness - Asian hardwork, ingenuity, and proclivity to procreate. The show that my fellow 15,000 Asians pulled off was ridiculous. There aren't too many times in your life when you can't believe what you see. But within a span of just 4 hours, the Chinese pulled it off, again, and again, and again. And that was even before the Olympic flame was lit.

At some point during the show, I bet there was a collective moment when white people around the world were crapping in their pants. That's right bitches - yellow power is here to stay. You might as well give up now London 2012. There's no way you're going come close to matching that show. Unless you get Elizabeth Hurley to dance naked.

Happy Canada Day!

It's July 1st - and you know what that means. Why it's Canada Day of course!

Celebrated 3 days before America's Independence Day, Canada Day marks Canada's independence - but not really. It marks the joining of the British colonies of joining of the British colonies of Nova Scotia, New Brunswick, and the Province of Canada into a federation of four provinces (the Province of Canada being divided, in the process, into Ontario and Quebec) on July 1, 1867. But the British Parliament still kept limited rights over this new federation.

So thanks to Wikipedia - I've just shown that Canada Day is a complete sham! It's just a feeble attempt by Canada to celebrate something around the same time as America. Even worse, it gives Celine Dion an excuse to throw a concert.

Blowing Up Stuff to Prove You've Changed

In geopolitical news this week (despite being lazy, I do read The Economist), North Korea destroyed a nuclear reactor tower to prove that they're ending their nuclear weapons program. In response, President Bush is lifting some sanctions against N. Korea and removing the country from the State Department's list of state sponsors of terrorism.

Hmm...sounds a little too easy to me. I'm not convinced that Kim Jung il (see, I really do read The Economist) is really willing to give up his nuclear ambitions. Any man stubborn enough to keep wearing jumpsuits and maintaining an Asian perm beyond the 1980's surely won't give up nuclear weapons research that easily.

Blowing up some tower doesn't really mean anything. After I tricked a girl into becoming my girlfriend, I destroyed the porn collection under my bed to prove that I'd changed. But that doesn't mean I'm no longer a porn aficionado - especially since I now keep my favorite five movies and magazines in an even better hiding place.

Rock, Paper, Scissors

When I was a kid, I always dreamed about playing a major league sport. That dream quickly faded when I developed self-awareness and realized I was Asian. So I studied engineering.

But now my dream has been rekindled - with the discovery of the USARPS - the United States of America Rock, Paper, Scissors League. Yes, that's right. Armed with the knowledge of three hand symbols, and the ability to choose one of them - I too can be a contender.

This is no joke. The USARPS is a serious league - and believe it or not, there IS a strategy. For example, females open with scissors 60% of the time, while males tend to open with rock. Probably because men like to smash things, while women like to cut up and throw away your dreams.

A tournament is held in Vegas every year and the winner gets $50,000. This year, the winner will also get a free trip to Beijing, where he/she will compete in the inaugural International Rock Paper Scissors Federation Championship held simultaneously with the Olympics. But the money and fame must pale in comparison with the bragging rights afforded to the winner - because as everyone knows, winning ANYTHING via rock, paper, scissors is one of the best feelings in the world. The sheer joy of winning something with just a hand symbol will always trump the over-rated satisfaction of accomplishing something through hard work. And while other athletes train for years and risk injury, RPS players sit on the couch and worry about hangnails.

I've already signed up.

Sex and the City

The biggest non-event is finally here. Sex and the City the movie opens today. It's hard for me to understand why anyone would want to watch a group of superficial, narcissistic women live their pathetic lives - but for some reason, people like this crap. Plus, if I wanted to see a horse, I'd wait until the Belmont Stakes next weekend.

The reviews are in - and suprise, surprise - they all pretty much suck. It just goes to show that fancy outfits, designer purses, and constant whining aren't enough to make a good movie. You really need a man in an iron suit, hot chicks, and big explosions to make anything entertaining.

Some of you ladies out there will ignore my advice and still see this movie. Do what you want, but just realize that while you spend $10 for 2 hours worth of boredom with your girlfriends, your boyfriends will be spending $300 on 2 hours worth of lapdances.

Masturbation for your health

Australian researchers have found that frequent masturbation may help men cut their risk of contracting prostate cancer - making this discovery the most important medical discovery in the history of medical discoveries.

Apparently, if you don't glaze your carrot enough, carcinogens may build up in the prostate. The researchers surveyed more than 1,000 men who had developed prostate cancer, and 1,250 men who had not. Men who shook hands with the unemployed the most between the ages of 20 and 50 were the least likely to get cancer.

I'm obviously very happy with this research since it finally gives meaning to the thousands of hours I've spent alone in my room, in the shower, in the back seat of a theater, inside the airplane lavatory, etc. I may be going blind, but at least my prostate will be strong like bull.