Sex and the City

The biggest non-event is finally here. Sex and the City the movie opens today. It's hard for me to understand why anyone would want to watch a group of superficial, narcissistic women live their pathetic lives - but for some reason, people like this crap. Plus, if I wanted to see a horse, I'd wait until the Belmont Stakes next weekend.

The reviews are in - and suprise, surprise - they all pretty much suck. It just goes to show that fancy outfits, designer purses, and constant whining aren't enough to make a good movie. You really need a man in an iron suit, hot chicks, and big explosions to make anything entertaining.

Some of you ladies out there will ignore my advice and still see this movie. Do what you want, but just realize that while you spend $10 for 2 hours worth of boredom with your girlfriends, your boyfriends will be spending $300 on 2 hours worth of lapdances.

Masturbation for your health

Australian researchers have found that frequent masturbation may help men cut their risk of contracting prostate cancer - making this discovery the most important medical discovery in the history of medical discoveries.

Apparently, if you don't glaze your carrot enough, carcinogens may build up in the prostate. The researchers surveyed more than 1,000 men who had developed prostate cancer, and 1,250 men who had not. Men who shook hands with the unemployed the most between the ages of 20 and 50 were the least likely to get cancer.

I'm obviously very happy with this research since it finally gives meaning to the thousands of hours I've spent alone in my room, in the shower, in the back seat of a theater, inside the airplane lavatory, etc. I may be going blind, but at least my prostate will be strong like bull.